31 thoughts on turning 31
31 years of life! Never knew that I'll still love the color pink this much and we thank Greta Gerwig for that.
I feel weirdly ok. Not panicky, nervous or out of breath. I’m still insecure and terribly tired all the time, but I’m feeling ok than last year.
I don’t write in my diary “I’m depressed” much anymore. That used to be my opener for every page - “I’m depressed.” or “I’m sad.” I don’t feel either of them very often and I think that’s progress.
I’m still crazy about boys. I love boys and I don’t know how I’m still boy-crazy. *sigh
I love food even more. I love cooking more. I want to cook for you! you! and YOU!
I really know now when to say yes and no.
I love to show off how feminist I am.
I love to tell people how unfeminist I am too.
My new line of work is writing and that’s pretty crazy to admit and I love that for myself.
I don’t like it when people think they know better than me. They might, but I still very much hate the know it alls.
I wake up early now! My body wants to. Probably because I’m not tired from working five days a week anymore (lol) but I’m more of a morning person than I have ever been!
I still feel
veryinsecure. Like in ways that my career is not as great compared to others. I’m insecure that people who have part-time jobs probably earn more than I do and I’m sometimes still insecure how my belly gets rounder after I drink a beer or two. But the important thing about all of this is that I recognize the feelings are there, and I don’t let it consume me anymore. It doesn’t define me, even if there are moments when it does I write to let it all out - and it helps.I still try really hard: Career, relationships, friendships, men etc. But I also try to just chill and let life happen too.
I’m not too hard on myself anymore, or at least not like last year. I wouldn’t bring myself down if I didn’t do anything on a Tuesday or a Friday when everyone else is working because I did accomplish something. I woke up early, I read, and I wrote. That’s something right? I’m trying to be ok with that even though it scares the shit out of me.
I’m intentionally not planning life so much (even though my dad opposes it).
I still really really want children. Each year when I get older, I think that maybe I’ll change my mind on it someday as if I should change my mind on it or something? I still want children even though the world is burning - I still deeply want children.
Things I love now. I love reading! I love writing! I love eating! I love food styling!? I love producing stuff! (Basically telling people what to do.) I like organized environments! (Who knew! my house is always a mess!) I love traveling! I love spontaneity! I love random shit! I love falling in love! I love hanging and chilling! I love listening to people as much as talking to people!
Things I don’t like. I don’t like texting so much. I don’t like it when people act like they know better than me. I don’t like it when I’m told “I have nothing else to offer.” I don’t like to be broke. I don’t like to be uncomfortable about money. I don’t like to be single. (kind being honest lol)
I don’t waste my time anymore with unwanted men. This is honestly … worth raising a bottle of champagne. If you are not obsessed with me, you don’t earn my time. I want to protect myself over getting hurt by a stranger - because I’m not a stranger to myself anymore!
If possible, I would love to learn French. Going to a French language school for a month or two next year while remote working? Hmmmm
I think about sex a lot still, but I’m not obsessed with it. When it happens, I only want to have good sex now. In my 20s, I had some wild, filthy, unwanted sex - I want to make love in my 30s, even if it’s just a casual thing. I don’t think that’s cringe of me to say is it? (I love how unhinged I am so far with my thoughts)
I haven’t been to the dentist in a while, and since last year, I think I have several cavities… but my denial is unprecedented. I need to go.
Speaking of doctors! I went to get checked for cervical cancer because the city office provides a free consultation, and I’m all clear! I also went to my gynecologist and I seem to be all good down there! I’m so proud of myself for not putting this stuff on hold! It’s the little things that count.
Julia Chang “Because I love you” Even though I am still insecure about my body, I really don’t care how my body looks to others anymore. My arms flapping around, my big butt, or my shins. I wear what I want - shorts, skirts, anything. I know I’m not fat or skinny and I’m completely ok with it all.
I’m still pretty bad with money. I did a money diary the whole of July, and that probably helped me to think about my expenses but I’m still really terrible at finances. Invest? in what? how? Where do I start sir?
I have gray hair. Strands of gray hair. Lots of it too. It’s to a point where I can’t hide it anymore. It’s been pretty visible this past year, and I pull it out often when I find it. I’m ok with it to a point that I’m not dyeing it yet, but it’s definitely there - oh the schmaltzy signs of womanhood.
I love how international I am? I literally have friends all over. Didn’t think it would happen to someone like me because I’m not that type of person to be a social butterfly. If I go across the ocean, I can make new friends and see old friends. I love that about myself.
I still think a lot about him. I think about you probably once a week. I wonder if he does. Maybe not. But I miss him and that’s ok. I wish we were still us.
I feel like I’m getting good at how to communicate my feelings. I’m much better at honesty. I don’t hold back. I used to not say the word because I thought “It’s not worth it. It won’t change anything.” But as I see my friends not holding back and saying stuff on their minds, I didn’t see why I had to too. I protect myself with words now too, not just by actions. I think this is a huge win for me.
I want to be good at capturing my fashion style more. I want to redo my wardrobe, not throwing away my stuff but reassess what looks good on me. I want to be more fashion savvy with what will look good on me.
More art consumption! I read so much now, and I’m very proud of that. I want to pick up an old book from my shelf and revisit books, as Pandora Sykes said “slow it the fuck down.” I also want to go see art and make interpretations from it. What do I think? Why did the artists do that? How do I perceive it?
I want to find love. I want to be good at love. I want to nurture love. I want to fail in love but also keep getting better at it.
I wanted to keep the thoughts and let it sit but I also wanted to share some things too as usual. I saw and read some good things this week! Can’t help myself.
Reads
I really loved this entry on, just go or do something if it’s on your mind on
I love following
just like all readers and writers do and her recent one on The Lesson I'm Still Learning, hit a different spot. In particular, I enjoyed her tarot card of the week, Seven of Pentacles, I’ll leave this here so it will hit you like it hit me.This week, the Seven of Pentacles invites us to meditate on what we’ve done—and are currently doing—well. Do not dwell on what you wish you had, or wish you’d said, or wish you could do differently. This is a time to acknowledge the ways, no matter how small or routine, where you are showing up.
I know this guardian article has been circulating a while back, but it really is ‘crazy’ how we have so many other things going on in our life but we end up becoming ‘boy-crazy’ like none other.
I re-read my teenage diaries hoping for a dose of nostalgia – instead I was horrified
Jane Birkin made the simple things feel luxurious - another fashion inspo moment.
I recently found a fun little newsletter filled with recs and fab reads all over -
Here we go. Memoirs and Monsters and from her other rec, I found this insane phone case brand? like how cute?Watch
Somewhere by Sofia Coppola
Gergwig or Coppola? I’m kidding, there doesn’t have to be a discussion on these two, or maybe there is already because fuck - they are two very brilliant women in the film industry that is male dominated. I recently watched Somewhere by Sofia Coppola and I had a mild coma during the film. It’s obvious but not, it’s subtle but not. The only big noise you hear in the film is the guy’s Ferrari and that’s it. No lines almost, just feelings. Adult feelings that are not handled with good therapy.
Swarm on Amazon Prime
When I tell you…I watched this in one setting and I can’t stop talking about it… This show was created and directed by Donald Glover. You immediately recognize that this show has some correlation between Beyonce and her fans that are called the beehive. The show is about a girl who is completely - madly a stan of Ni’Jah (that hints towards us that they want to talk about Beyonce.) and goes around killing people who doesn’t agree that Ni’Jah is the best singer on earth. I thought this story was real, but I guess it is and it isn’t. The title cards in the beginning, they tell you that “this is based on true characters” is so misleading… I kinda feel like it’s a bit click baty to that if it’s not entire based on true events? But regardless, it’s thrilling.
Podcast
People who knew me by BBC Radio
This one was … frankly a stressful 15 minutes. I have never indulged in a 15 minute heavy dramatized podcast before. It’s completely scripted with actors acting out scenes. It’s so good that you can imagine what’s actually happening every second. It could probably be because of good writing but it’s gripping. I don’t know if you would want to listen to it in public, I really had a hard time.
Listen
Olivia Dean is not new but oh my I’m obsessed. Listening to her on my way back home from work on a sunset is such a treat.This music video in particular is a delight.
Art Exhibition
At Nanzuka, in Harajuku there’s a gorgeous exhibition going on. Julia Chiang’s “Remember that time when what” is a beautiful collection of color, flowers, movement, life and everything else in acrylic paintings. I highly recommend. It’s going on until August 8th? (Don’t quote me on that!)
I’ll leave it here for today. Again, July 25th is special because it is my birthday of course but it’s also a day you realize the people around you who love and remember you on this special day. It’s a special day to say some nice things or two to them. So thank you if anyone has reached out to me and said something. I really appreciate you. Bisou xxx Megumi