All I want is to be an asshole (sometimes)!
How therapy talk is making our own needs muddled.
Recently, I was having dinner with a couple of friends when we were gossiping about someone else’s relationship. We were all giving unsolicited opinions at the table and explaining why we think their relationship and breakup was not ideal for myriads of reasons. When my friend Hena said, “I completely understand where she’s coming from. I won’t criticize her for that but”, her partner jumped in and said, “I know I’m going to change the topic here, but why can we not just say what it is. That person was an asshole and that’s it. Why do we have to try to understand it?” Indeed, he completely changed the course of the topic, but it was for the better than for us to keep talking about other people. He had a point, and I hear it all the time everywhere amongst my friends. I also do it too. I try to ‘understand’ the other side before criticizing or taking a different stance. I haven’t always done this, and my friends haven’t either, but it made me think - why is it that important to tell others that you are in fact, understanding of others when we actually sort of know that the other person was…well for a lack of a better word, just an asshole?!
This made me revisit the Jonah Hill fiasco and his usage of the word ‘boundaries’ after he told his now ex girlfriend, “Don’t post pictures of yourself in a bikini.” or “go surfing with men.” or even “have friendships with men I don't approve of.” He then called this, “These are my boundaries.” I was intrigued by this news when it broke because the internet’s discourse was, “Are we ‘abusing’ Therapy talk in some sense?” Articles like from The Guardian explained what boundaries actually mean with a psychotherapist and it says, “Healthy boundaries tend to be broader, more flexible, inclusive and respectful and will include propositions such as gratitude, open communication, space and honesty,” she says. “I would also suggest that they are, above all, requests and not demands.” Which let’s face it, the things Hill said to his girlfriend at the time were more like this is what I need so you need to follow what I want. A strict demand to her while ignoring why those things are important to him. Clearly, Hill’s ‘demands’ were not healthy ones, if anything some misogynistic. But was this shocking to a lot of us because we actually worry to be ‘too honest’ and we often tip toe around our boundaries? Of course, what he demanded was strange and it’s not things that she needs to work on, but more so Hill does but I guess delivery matters and everything seems to be nuanced.
It’s also important to note, as this article did as well, that normally in therapy, questions will lead you into thinking, how did that behavior make you feel and why, rather than focusing on that person’s actual behavior. Who knows the conversations behind the curtains but, perhaps Hill failed in exploring the why before he demanded the things he did to his ex.
The main character in therapy talk should always be, “I” and not a third person, understandably so because therapy is not gossip!
When I was in therapy for the first time in 2017, I was called out by my then therapist for this exact thing. I always loved to defend the other person before finishing my sentences. I would explain a situation with a man, and then I would start by telling her, “I wanted to do this but then I couldn’t. Because he had to do this, and he felt like it was not necessary and I understand that” and blah blah word vomit. She told me, “let me ask you that question once more and tell me what you felt and not what he felt.” It stuck with me rather strongly actually because I realized that I would always want to validate the situation for reasons I couldn’t even explain myself so well but by giving excuses for why it didn’t work, validated the failed relationship and my miserable life.
Aside from therapy, reasons why we say empathetic reasoning stuff even when we are having an honest conversation with our close friends in a ‘safe space’ (therapy word alert!), is probably because it’s also a form of protecting yourself. When T and I were sort of together, and things fell apart, no matter how I explained him or phrased him, he just didn’t sound right to a lot of my friends. Even as a relatively great story teller, I just couldn’t paint T as a good person no matter how much I tried. I ended up making a lot of excuses for him, probably during our relationship as well too but afterwards especially.
I had dinner with one of my best friends, Yurino recently, and she said something about her ex that painfully reminded me of what I was doing at therapy and what I used to do for T, similarly. When she broke up with her ex, it wasn’t a great scenario. As Hena’s partner will put it, he was an asshole! Even though she knows that, and I let her know in some capacity that he wasn’t the best at the end, she says, “I know, but I also understand why it happened.” I had to interrupt her. I said something exactly what Hena’s partner would have said and told her, “Honesty, I get why you would want to defend him (trust me!) but also it’s ok to admit that he was…not a good guy to you in the end.” The cold truth sometimes is not the best medicine when someone is going through a turmoil of heartbreak. But it sometimes needs to be said I think or else, knowing myself and her enough, we would never give ourselves the room of self care we need. We will only defend them till death probably because that’s just us. She said, “I think I say this stuff to also protect myself as well. It might be my ego, but I also need to say that he was a good guy at some point because it’s also a reflection of who I am as a person. If he’s entirely a bad person, which I don’t think he was, I might be a terrible person as well.”
Oh don’t I know. The amount of protecting I’ve done for T and the sage words I gave him was all I had left in me. He was everything to me, and for others to think otherwise was detrimental to my confidence and morals.
My intentions are not to start calling people assholes, or maybe in some cases, they do need to be called out in our fluffed up world of capitalism, but it’s more so to understand the blurred lines of self and others. It’s blurred because to have a better and healthier life for yourself, we do have requests or perhaps boundaries to make our lives easier and disassociate from people who make us feel uncomfortable or less than. But I think it’s also crucial for us to keep a civil relationship with our friends around us. That’s why we don’t want to call out people or say mean things to people because it creates friction and conflict. Some people like to maybe, but the majority is that no one wants to be the bad guy. We are animals that thrive on connection and by cutting people off and using therapy talk for the sake of self-care, things can get lost in translation.
As my parting words for this much much healthy reflection of what we need for ourselves while also not being complete assholes? I’ve always been a fan of Lena Dunham for her creative work, for the other bits, well…she is a controversial one! But her Instagram is always filled with affirmations I stand by, do whatever you please! Bless up assholes x (well, I’m only joking)
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.
Reads
-Recommended by
recent bits, a story by Rebecca Ivory - Push and pull. You can apparently read a snippet from her book here and I was captivated.-A women in the NYT writing about her belly. This Is What My Belly Looks Like “ ‘This is what she looks like.’ To me, that is an endlessly comforting idea.” I can completely relate to this greater comfort as well.
-The Vogue interview with Olivia Colman The forever normie!
-I’m coming up on a 4 day mini-trip, and packing light is NEVER an easy task for me but this was a helpful read by Refinery29. I’m telling you. When I invested in modern citizen’s wide leg black pants, it’s been the best dressing up and down pant I own. I also have been seeing Jennifer Behr’s bow clip everywhere. As much as I am that bow girl, I have short hair now. I feel like it will be more of a vibe with longer hair. a bow tangled in some long strains of hair…that’s a vibe.
-Happily ever after by Molly Rosen I just love reading a good essay about how a marriages fall a part behind the scenes of everything. It’s an honestly written piece and a look into how a women can reconcile to move forward by being on different sides.
-Getting cozy with Meg Ryan is a great piece on aging and how she wants to show the world, ways of loving can shift as you grow older.
- I came across Grace Atwood’s blog again, The Stripe. She actually produces tons of content and just like cup of jo, she does a weekly round up of links to clink on. Here’s a little taste into the weekend links.
-Definitely loved this red lentil soup ! Comforting and also quick and easy!
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did a holiday look guide , and there’s tons of looks I want to steal from.Listen
-From
, Naked Villainy is a murder trial podcast series - but not like any other one. The first time ever in UK history for a trial to be broadcasted and recorded, after it took 45 years for the case to go to court. It’s a fascinating listen and I love the narrator and the producer for this show, Isla Traquair.-From Culture study, why do clothes suck now? is also a great listen. Gucci sweater that costs $32KKKKKK, but it’s mostly made of out polyester…? Welp, what’s new!
Watch
I haven’t been watching any new shows these days! Not in the mood to…get into something new. Just a bunch of rewatch of Veep and Fleabag! Any recommendations?
Other things I don’t need, but do
I saw this on
, a crossbody bag that seems very versatile. But I also have this new clothing studio called Studiolab404 that I’m pretty obsessed with that’s based in Tokyo and they have a beautiful bag that can also fit my laptop. These NewBalance sneakers. I hate it when stores don’t have stuff online and do in-store, visa versa. But COS had a really nice button down sweater that was similar to this, but I don’t know if it’s exactly this one.Thank you for reading this week’s love or not to love :) I appreciate you as always, and you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis for some more fun and yum content. As always Bisous x Megumi
I haven't bought it, but boy, I'm still thinking about that bag! (Did you get it??) Thanks so much for the shout out, Megumi xx