Annie Ernaux could be the answer to all my problems

What I learned from not wanting to become someone else anymore

Oct 20, 2023

“She would rather be her than him because she’s the writer. “ - A Girl’s Story by Annie Ernaux

There were a lot of moments in my life where I thought I would rather be that person than myself. There was this girl, who is now an influencer and a singer songwriter based in Tokyo, we used to work together at the flagship store at American Eagle. I really wanted to be like her. Maybe she sniffed it out, but she immediately befriended my anxious awkward virgin 22 year old self because I think she milked the idea that I was half American, therefore I was SO cool. I wasn’t though. I didn’t know how to dress myself, I was so self conscious about my body. I didn’t have any hobbies besides looking at Tumblr and drawing really thick eyeliner. The people who worked at American Eagle were all skinny and the size 8 stretchy jeans I was wearing felt like I was so out of place. American Eagle had teams that were named such as, “The Talent” or “The stock” team. The Talent is pretty self explanatory. You are the talent of the store. Only the cute girls and hot guys were allowed to be in the talent team(A hazard beaming through HR nowadays.) Although obviously that wasn’t told to us specifically, there was that undertone that ugly people or awkward people couldn’t sit with the cool kids. The Talent was always in the storefront, flirting with each other not doing their jobs properly, while The Stock was diligent with their jobs - if stereotypes had a name to it, it were these moments.

The now influencer friend was obviously in The Talent team. She wears probably around size 2 or 4 and she just had a slight ass, but she was on the curvier side in Japan. She didn’t care about her body though, which I also loved. She loved wearing tiny clothes and showing it off to boys. She just knew her assets and how to use them, while I was just observing and slowly becoming envious of her. We used to listen to Soulja Boy religiously for some reason. Songs like Kiss me thro the phone, crank that, while sipping on Malibu coke at the club. (Don’t ask me why!) We went out to Roppongi so often that I lost count. I went out during the week and my parents hated it. I started wearing crop tops and really channeling my half American-ness with her. She also already had a bunch of cute tattoos and I just thought I had one of the coolest friends. She knew a bunch of people whenever we went out, she was never alone and her whole life was consumed by being busy hanging out with friends. The cigarettes I still smoke till this day are the ones she gave me for the first time.

It’s crazy to think that after almost a year of hanging out constantly together, life happened and I stopped hanging out with her. My mom hated her - probably she wasn’t a great influence when she found my cigarettes in my desk drawer or when I was coming back home at 3 am on a weekdays often. I really wanted to be her at the time because well, she just simply had everything that I didn’t have; boys, sex, a lot of interesting friends, connections, the Tokyo scene (whatever that is). I wished I was her desperately until I started to gain some confidence and understood my body and what I liked and disliked. Once I knew who I was ever so slightly, it clicked that there was no point in being someone else. This feeling escalated more so when I became a freelancer.

Once I became uninterested to be like my friend, I was free from it all. I was free from the pressure to look like something I wasn’t; skinny. I was free from socializing with scary looking men; approval from men. I was compelled to find things what I like to do; to find self. The gratification of knowing who I am, slightly, and what I like to do was enough for me to be liberated from comparing myself to others and wanting to become like other people. As a freelancer, this feeling grew even more. My personal growth is up to me now and I just don’t have any means to compare myself to other people. I’m on a different path - I’m incomparable. This to me is pretty exciting.

The quote I shared in the beginning by Annie Ernaux is truly powerful. She said this from her book, A Girl’s Story where she revisits the summer of 1958. She says this after a man called “H” cheated on his wife with her and many women after but yet he still continues to live a life as normal. She says, “She would rather be her than him because she is the writer.” She refers to herself as a third person in the entire book. She wanted to forget that girl completely, but after 50 years or so, she looks back and discovers all sorts of new things about herself. Honestly, some parts are bleak to read. Her honestly makes you want to comfort her ? but you know that she doesn’t want comfort as well. If anything, it almost feels like each page as she writes it, she feels empowered by her own words. She is carefully observing herself from 1958 without being woe is me, or any self-pity. She is looking at herself as “She”, a girl that everyone or some of us can relate to. I was urged to read it because I listened to a podcast about her on BookChat and I highly recommend this thrilling read if you please!

I don’t want to become you, or I don’t want to become famous or known to a lot of people. I want to be the writer I want to become, I want to be the strong woman who has a ground to stand on, I want to be the woman I couldn’t be in my 20s - and I would frankly rather be myself than other people because it feels nice that way.

Other Stuff

Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.

Reads

Annie Ernaux and the Writer’s Obsession with Intermittent Love

The French, of course, have a name for this genre of romance: “amour fou,” or “crazy love.”

I’ve been deep diving into the translators worlds! I’ll discuss more further, but celebrating Jhumpa Lahiri’s new short story book, Roman Stories, the man who translated Todd Portnowitz, had a very insightful opinion about translation. He wrote a piece on the lithub here and I hope you like is as much as I did!

And it’s the same resentment that lay at the root of my bad experiences with those Italian authors, who tried to superimpose my English onto their Italian—to make it more of a tracing than a drawing. But you can’t trace one language with another.

Going along with translation work! I purchased Cursed Bunny for my next reading list, and came across Anton Hur, a translator and author based in Seoul. His methods on translation work on his blog here is interesting and while your at it, this interview was a great read as well. ‘The match between a translator and a writer is alchemical. It’s like being married’: Anton Hur

*I’m also recommending a podcast he was a guest on below!

This beautiful essay about a women Wearing My Dying Mother’s Clothes is somehow relatable. I have my grandmother’s shoes and clothes that somehow fit me and I wear it around sometimes and I also wear my aunt’s scarf as well.

I’ve been leaning into personal essay’s and how to write them better and came across this one. I Thought Being Bilingual Would Give My Kids An Edge

I recommended her before, and I’ll do it again -

Leandra Medine Cohen

The Cereal Aisle by Leandra Medine Cohen

is so good, she makes me want to try new styles that I thought I won’t be into. Like this make your own short suit is so fun, I ordered a pair of shorts that are affordable to me so I won’t have to be sad about the fitting or whatever because eeee shorts makes me anxious.

I want to desperately cook this taco soup - or should I just make tacos. Ugh, I want tacos.

Listen

I know many of you have already been up-to-date with the horrific and terrible news on the Israeli-Palestinien conflict and I don’t feel like I want to just give a rec! for the sake of it because that’s not right. But I do want to leave some podcasts that was helpful to me at least to understand the overview of what’s happening. This one by The Stories of our Times and The Daily was as usual very helpful. The Gaza strip and history explained by the Washington Post was great too.

Zadie Smith is everywhere promoting her book, but this one was one of the best one out there so far, recommended by

Pandora Sykes

A critical look into Korean literature and how it’s not the same thing just because K-culture like BLACKPINK or BTS is big, Korean literature has a place to shine as well.

There were a couple of listens on Modern Love I was fascinated by recently. I Needed David Schwimmer’s help and Have you ever kept a secret from your wife?

Movie

Lost In Translation (2003)

Listen… I know it’s been out for a minute and a lot of you have already seen it, but I do want to emphasize on one thing; Sofia Coppola is so brilliant to say the things without actually saying it. I thought about that when I watched SOMEWHERE (2010) as well. Because this whole essay is dedicated by Annie Ernaux, it’s also fitting that Ernaux herself is also a person that will not say the things that are obvious to her. To state something other than is something I can’t do, and it’s always a pleasure to learn new methods of doing that - and may I say, this movie did that to me.

Some other bits

I feel like I already have something similar … but this RL cable knit seems more easy to work with but $330? Is Emme Parson’s chick as fuck? Yes, and these loafers in Espresso I want or should I say need!!! (I wonder… I know for a look thing it’s cool, but to put photos of a black/white shot for any type of clothing…is really not helpful to me.lol ) Still looking for a leopard slip dress and this one by RAEY is gorg but not in my price range. Dear Frances, Espresso is so beautiful…(I’m having a kick for espresso I guess?)

love or not to love

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