#Chapter one: forever love?
This is a story about a man who is in my life for 3 years. I like him like he is my middle school first crush. I title this essay 'The erotica of kissing' followed by 2 chapters.
I wish he understood English, because that means there is a chance he will read this and notice how I feel. But he doesn’t and won’t read this, and as much as there’s a feeling in me I want him to know, I think it’s also true that I want to keep it a secret because the playfulness we have with each other is exciting. It’s mysterious and romantic. We play the game together. The game of what is called falling in love with each other. The game we all play once in our life time but we also know deep down, this isn’t how love is suppose to work. Even though you don’t know what love exactly is, you just kind of know it’s not suppose to be a game. It’s suppose to be a feeling, an attraction and an instinct that you don’t need to play the game to fall in love with each other.
I am in love with him I think, but I am in love with the possibility of what he can become and not the reality of who he is. A lot of us get trapped in this idea of what that person can become when you deep down know the person is already offering you the entirety of himself/herself. I want to believe that after everything we’ve been through, he will show up for me and make time for me, but in reality, I just have an ‘ick’ that he has a track record of not showing up before, why would he this time? Although, somewhere back in my mind, I trust the possibility that he can show up, for me. Delusional, yes, but that’s what a version of love I know at the moment. In Notes on heartbreak by Annie Lord on p272, she says ‘Love is closeness——I actually like him and how much I like the untraversable gap he places between us because of what it promises’. The promise that they might see each other in a couple months or weeks, the possibility of being able to flirt again, the anticipation is what is making you go crazy over him. I have this exact arrangement with him too. The distance he creates between us makes me want more of him and I want to see him soon. It hurts that he won’t make the time for me and I make excuses on behalf of him to my friends. I conflate love with hurt.
This is a story about a man I have a crush on for years now and just recently something happened between us after 3 years, and I want to explain what this feels like.
Let’s call him X. I met X at a restaurant in 2019. He owns 3 restaurants now but back then it was only 2. He became very successful and busy over the years I’ve known him. In 2020 around March, I went to his restaurant to have dinner with my best friend. At this point, I’ve already been to the restaurant maybe twice, but he already remembered my name and he was very accommodating, but I didn’t want to mistake that as ‘he’s into me’ because that’s his job to serve people. That night, my assumption was wrong. He actually really liked me. He kept on saying ‘you’re super cute’ right in front of his staff, my friend, and other customers. I was blushing of course because he was cute. He was really really attractive. He then on said ‘Can I ask you out on a date?’ I honestly was a little shocked in the beginning. A Japanese man taking control, being assertive and showing his affection towards me was new. I responded showing not too much excitement but with coyness, ‘of course’. He looked at his calendar behind him, and said ‘I’ll be free next Wednesday so let’s go then’. His need of wanting me was empowering. A man wanting to know me more and asking me out on a date. It wasn’t even to have sex, it was just attraction that he had towards me. How validating is that. My dating life at this point was usually on apps where dates are already on the table and honestly sex is also there if you want it. I could already feel the huge crush with a bow and arrow that was about to land on my heart, and I haven’t even gotten out of the restaurant yet. In present day, all I do now with X is to play the game of love. To flirt when we are drunk, holding hands when we shouldn’t, going out till 4am doing karaoke in the morning and expressing each others feelings in the cab back home when we shouldn’t, going to his restaurant looking cute and being treated differently than the other customers. All I do now is to reach for his attention so we can stay close. The beginning of getting to know him, we didn’t have to play any games. I miss that a little. It was just pure desire and it was luscious. But I also conflate attention seeking with love.
The date was phenomenal. Till this day, I title it in my diary ‘the erotica of kissing’ and here is why. The date was planned from meeting near my station. He came to me, I didn’t have to go to him. We met and hugged. I never knew Japanese men hugged so that was new to me. By the way, this date was my first ever date with a Japanese man. Living in Japan for 28 years, I never been on a date with a Japanese man. Ever since that day, I still haven’t been on one. We then got into a cab and went to a wine bar for aperitif. He owns an Italian restaurant, so please read between the lines if this date is going to sound like an Italian date. We went to go for pizza. I remember, right before we were trying to get into the restaurant, he received a call from his work, so he needed to answer it so he told me, ‘just go in without me, I won’t be long. The name is under ——’ I don’t know what it is, but it still gives me butterflies to think of that specific moment. I love that I came to this restaurant under his name and not mine. I love that I was under his control and not mine for once. The rush of someone else is going to take care of me tonight is a feeling I long for sometimes. We talked about what people talk about on a date. We talked shit about people sitting next to us. We talked about family, past relationships, and if he ever wants to be married again or wants to have kids again. If I can redo that date now, I will ask all the different questions I asked him. I say this because me and X didn’t know each other well at the time and I didn’t know the past trauma and relationships he had. He also doesn’t know about the pain I endured because I didn’t share them. Why would I pass on the ‘baggage’ to someone I just met? Fast forward to 3 years and now, all I want is to share all my secrets and pain with him. I want him to know that the pain I’ve been through is who I am now, and I want him to celebrate me because of it. I also want to know his pain too. I want to know what he has been through in life so I can be his support system. If this isn’t the definition of trauma bonding I don’t know what is, but I wanted to be bonded with him with the version of love I know that is the beautiful and damned.
After dinner, we went for another drink for an Aperol spriz. (I told you) We had drinks at the bar, and then it was almost going to be midnight. We didn’t hold hands yet, but there was this spark in the air if we should or shouldn’t. He broke the ice and said, ‘my house is right there, and of course as much I want you to come back with me, I want us to be for real, so I’m not going to bring you back home tonight’. We waited for a cab and while waiting, I leaned in for a hug and then lightly kissed his cheek and then he went in for the kiss. We couldn’t get our hands off of each other. Cabs were going by left to right, but we didn’t care. All we cared was to be there together and snuggle in each other chests and devour that magical kiss that we both wanted the entire night. After the kiss, he texted me saying, ‘I wish I was still kissing you’ and we both said it was such a lovely night and said good night. This is not the end to the story of ‘the erotica of kissing’ because there is a little bit more context to our relationship in present day.
I want to circle back when he told me he doesn’t want to take me to his place because that means we will sleep with each other, and in his mind, having sex on the first night means that he’s not going to take me seriously or it won’t be a long term relationship. In this column by Dolly Alderton she mentions something very important to women who feel as though it’s anti-feminist or men won’t take you seriously if you sleep with them on the first date.
Please don’t see first-date sex as any sort of personal defeat. And don’t see waiting to have sex as a politicised choice. Sex isn’t a test. Bodies aren’t prizes. Sex is a collaborative act, the dynamics of which will feel different with every person. My parting advice is to get rid of any rule book and do what feels good.
I’m not going to lie, after he made that comment, I appreciated the sentiment that he wanted to be serious with me. I felt the same and I wanted to keep the sweet and innocent night as it was. But I also didn’t necessarily agreed with him that if I went to his house, it wasn’t going to be a serious thing anymore. I’ve never actually talked about this with him, but I do want to let other women know that even if I did end up going home with him that night, and we ended up not being a serious couple (spoiler, we never ended up dating), that wasn’t because I slept with him on the first night. I would have to think that he wasn’t the person for me because why should having sex with someone and being in an emotional relationship outweighs the other? It shouldn’t matter and no man should let you think because you had sex on the first date, you aren’t datable. Please, don’t have people tell you that. Take away all the rules you thought existed.
A few days passed from our first date, and I learn that he could sometimes be emotionally unavailable and I noticed I was feeling left out. I also realized one thing about myself that when I get a rush of lust, I get impatient. I want more immediately. It was hard to schedule a second date with him because of his restaurant business. Having worked in the restaurant business for about 10 months now myself, this ins’t just an excuse I’m trying to make for him, but it really is difficult to find the time with someone who is not in the industry. There were a couple of red flags in between, like he texts me in the evening saying he can get off of work early, but doesn’t end up texting me till 2am in the morning and saying, ‘can I come over now?’. Whatever our relationship status was, I wouldn’t have let someone in my house at that hour, especially when he was totally capable of texting me earlier saying work is going to be late so I can’t make it tonight. Just one single text or communication changes a lot and I realized that it’s very difficult for him to be honest to someone he cares for. Then one day, he says to me, ‘should we just chill at the park and play catch?’ I ignored his texts for 3 full days. I didn’t have the courage to say, I don’t think this is going to work, but then after the 4th day, I say to him ‘I think we should just be friends’. He says to me ‘I kinda got the feeling that was it. but thanks for telling me. come by the restaurant anytime ok?’ and then that was the end to our first chapter of our still going story.
Why did I suddenly friend zoned him after having a sweet and romantic date? Why would I deny the most obvious form of affection? Wanting me not only in a sexual desire, but wanting to connect with me on an emotional scale, and potentially becoming a couple. I know why, and I did something similar with T once when he really wanted me. I get scared of the tangibleness of what seems to be love. Again, I don’t know what love is, but when there is a little light that comes through that seems like the face of love and I can almost catch it, I wiggle my way out of it. No one likes endings and I think I’m weirdly particular on endings. Always counting down the days of my vacation, counting the last minute at festivals, feeling so sad when the bar tender tells us to go home. The endings to these minuscule events gives me severe withdrawal like an addict’s drug wearing off. Imagine the power of withdrawal I get when this is an interpersonal relationship ending. It takes a while for me to recover. I go under a rock and I can’t imagine starting a new fling or a relationship with someone if I need to redo this heartache again. I have a strange relationship with marriage as well too. I cry at every weddings I attend and I love to celebrate 2 people finding each other after so much they have been through. But at the same time, I don’t believe in eternal love. I know, being a hopeless romantic makes you think I believe love is forever. But I actually don’t. Because there is no permanent assurance in love. There is no insurance that 2 people will stay in love forever. But yet so many people get married. So many people actually understands that it might not be forever but they will try till death do us apart. In that sense, marriage is beautiful, people commit just in the name of euphoria, magic, and…something godly. After 3 years and a couple men in between and 1 man who broke my heart, I know my diagnosis with love. I am scared of the ending before I can find the joy of the beginning. This is the reason why I didn’t want to work things out with X or communicate my feelings with him because what was the point? If I made up my mind that this will already end before it even started, why would I even express my concerns with him? The texting at odd hours is such a small aspect of a relationship, I could have told him about it and it would never been a further issue. It’s silly writing this now because all I would ever do with him is to work things out and communicate with him. I would never want us to have a misunderstanding and fall out of love… if we still even have that after everything.
to be continued…
✋Cultural Recommendations of the week ✋
Books
The Pisces
A VERY horny book that wants to make you…well frankly have sex every time you turn a page. Jokes aside, (well, it is quite literally a steamy sex novel for sure) it is a beautiful reflection of being a love addict literally, and why do we want to find love? and what does that even mean? I wrote a little review here on Goodreads if you want to read that.
Reads
Every A24 movie, ranked by Vulture.
This is pretty insane. It’s super long, yes, but I have so many movies now I want to watch. Also, A24 movies just hits different for millennials no?
A debunk beauty newsletter from Jessica Defino. This one is so honest and so necessary when we are all obsessed with skin care shit we don’t need anymore. (stop buying celebrity brands people lol like they don’t even know how good or bad it is lol why should you buy it)
Body acceptance stops at Skin. Why?
Making Matilda Djerf a household name
Podcasts🎤
We can do hard things -Why we should stop doing our best
Who has to hustle in Hollywood? by Into it
I’ve already recommended this podcast before, but this episode was good. They talked about Sydney Sweeny, the star on Euphoria and White lotus, is actually struggling with finances even after scoring the best roles in television in 2022. Other celebrity agents earns way more than she does.
Doing it right by Pandora Sykes -The myth of good skin
Pandora’s new season is back! She did an episode with Jessica Defino, (Also recced in the newsletter)
Album 🎷
I found this album playing at a cafe the other day and I’m so in love! Vibes!
Kojikoji has a new album out and it’s cute as usual and we love it!
A song that didn’t think I need in my life? Tokyo 4am love stories.
This story with this man has been sitting heavy on my heart for a while and I hope I articulated it and someone out there understands this version of love I know. Maybe it’s not the healthiest love, but I really like him and I can’t take my mind off of him even when I go to sleep.
I’m going to Paris and Italy from today for a whole month! Will definitely do a food letter and places I’ve been, but meanwhile please enjoy my essays of love letters. Megumi x