Didn't speak to a living soul
I realized that I didn't speak to a soul after four days into the week. Here's my dramatic response to that.
and I have yet to see a living soul
When I read this from
newsletter last week titled, Rethinking “weekend plans”, the feeling was too close to home. Last week, July 10th to July 14th, I didn't speak to a single soul. I noticed the fact when I was heading into a meeting in person on Friday while I was heading to a co-working space and had some lovely dinner at Guerrero with a friend. Don’t get me wrong, I was talking to people, like texting people a lot during the week: my parents, my friends and my colleagues on Slack, but I didn’t end up talking to anyone in person. It made me so scared when Friday came by and anxious when I was about to meet people. Not because I was afraid if I forgot how to speak with people but for the sake of sanity. I thought I was going insane and if this was my new life now. Being a freelancer and the work of nature I do now which is more of writing and content creation, I hardly speak to people outside my own brain. I also felt like I had to intentionally make plans or pensile in plans to talk to people or else I would never have to speak to people. That thought frankly annoyed me. Does conversation have to be premeditated now? Do I have to plan accordingly to just have a chat with people? On top of EVERYTHING ELSE?
Come to think of it, probably it wasn’t as much of a big deal than I think it is. It was only for four full days of not speaking to anyone face to face. I was craving Shrimp Scampi on a Thursday evening, after watching Alison Roman’s video and I was talking to myself saying stuff like, “Hm, should I go to the supermarket to see if they have shrimp?” “I’m sure they don’t have any, I should go to a fish monger-esque place by bike. I need the exercise anyways.” I love cooking for myself and shopping for the ingredients for one person, but sometimes there are bleak moments that hit that sore spot - the assurance that you are in fact alone. If I wouldn’t have run out food to eat, I wouldn’t have gone out of the house that day. I love staying in that’s how I roll. But if you live alone, you have to get out of the house at some point. You need to feed yourself, nurture yourself and take care of yourself while no one is there to watch. It’s a one women’s show and you pat yourself on the back or you say little things so you can hear it like “Good job Megumi for doing that.”
This is slightly unrelated, but I think sometimes people at the supermarket think I’m shopping for many people at home, like maybe not for a child but for a partner or something. I buy a lot of portions I guess considering I live alone. But then I’m also like, I wish they think that way? I wish they would think I have someone waiting for me at home. Is this really a weird pathological thing to think of? Am I that lonely? I don’t know, sometimes I think it.
That whole week made me think about how mega intentional I have to be now if I’m going to engage with people or even if I want to engage with people. Things just don’t seem to happen so much anymore. As much as I want the “Hey, wanna do this tonight?” hang, those usually doesn’t happen with my friends. They just came back from a festival that I didn’t go to and they are tired and working full time, and that’s just not how a lot of my friends roll. So here I was, thinking about this “Not talking with anyone for four days” phenomenon by myself in my kitchen on a Thursday evening, if I needed to intentional with my plans more so than I used to. That’s where Hayley’s newsletter comes in.
If we associate leaving the house only with seeing friends, seeking pleasure, or simply getting out for the love of god, it follows that going out is something we only do voluntarily, rather than for the general business of staying on top of things.
I agree. I completely associate ‘going out’ or ‘doing things’ on weekends if it was a fun thing to do or not, and for other ‘errands’ and ‘boring things’ that only involve myself are not plans. I don’t do a lot of things during the weekday anyways besides actually running errands or going to the supermarket. Then you kind of feel like you haven’t done anything and go into a spiral … what have I done? I haven’t done anything and haven’t spoken with anyone?! At least that was my thought, hence panic last week. But then I think we can reframe how plans work. It doesn’t necessary have to involve other people or fun stuff always. Can a plan be a plan if it just involves you? The answer is YES!!!!!
I didn’t speak to people but because I left the house that day to go buy some shrimp, (which totally failed btw. They were all completely sold out.) my mind started working again, bursting with some sparkly ideas about what I should write next on my Substack or this pitch I want to send to this publication. I came up with an idea and was successfully able to send in a pitch, that I still haven’t heard back from yet, but at least that was something. An errand that only involved myself ended up becoming a very beautiful thought provoking stroll. I needed to get out of my house to just have my mind do wonders if I may, and let my mind do the work.
Social media obviously doesn’t help with this idea of feeling alone or trapped in your apartment leaving you with the misconceptions of not achieving anything while everyone else is doing something somewhere always. If you have friends from all over the world, they naturally are doing lots of fun and cool things you are not doing. Ever since Covid, I’m very mindful in how I use Instagram. I watched the Social Dilemma on Netflix during Covid, and it really helped me rethink my relationship with my phone and social media. Not to open the app first thing in the morning so you don’t see anyone on an Italian beach is essential(!!I’m serious.) Also not to furiously look at people’s Instagram story as well. I’m going to admit to something vulnerable here, but I don’t look at some people’s (aka my friends) story while they are on vacation, because I would be jealous or I’ll suffer from ‘FOMO’, a constant illness I try to overcome. We all deal with our own little things on our own time, it’s ok to not see something and not be up-to-date with your friends story. We do care about how other people perceive us, but honestly, we all have our own big little things going on, that we’re so wrapped up in our own shit. You are the only one who cares so much. No one else. Once you know that no one cares about anything besides yourself, YOU ARE FREE!
Being cooped up in your home does things to you. You feel like is this it? Is this all you’ve got? A good house and a kitchen you cook in alone for yourself and date around if you can? But no. Even if you don’t make extravagant plans with others, plans can still be plans even with just yourself - however minuscule the plan maybe like going to the supermarket or go buy some shrimp in my case. Maybe you really haven’t done anything, just read and watched a movie and didn’t really even speak to anyone. If that is ok to you and you feel fine with that, live!your!life! But because being alone and not making plans sometimes scares people, not everyone is as strong as you, including myself. Perhaps, I will prescribe to you -engage with your surroundings and let your mind wonder around.
Go to a supermarket and be completely angry about how everything is getting so much more expensive that you might need to cut down some of your egg consumption because of it. Or you can see a tiny weird crossed eyed dog (!!) sitting in front of the store and have eye contact with it and not know ever if the dog also saw you as well. Or, you can decide to say that your not going to hold off that one can of nice cold beer just because you think you’ve gained weight recently or you think it’s unhealthy - you just buy it. You come back home and you open up that beer, thinking about what to make for yourself tonight, while also still have an image of that weird dog on your mind in your perfect little apartment that’s a tad bit messy.
Cultural recommendations of the week
Reads📕
・As mentioned, this week’s essay was inspired by
‘s #153: Rethinking “weekend plans”. And then I came along with one of her articles below.・I’m Beginning to Think Insecurity Is a Reality of Modern Life
・Passing down a great read from
‘s recommendation, The End of Love by the Paris Review. A fascinating read on how most of our lives, relationships, love is primarily based off of images.Everyone’s Thirsty for The Bear — Here’s What It’s Really Like to Date a Chef
I just can’t recommend
enough. I don’t think I’ve ever been so into fashion this much in a while. Her very practical, sustainable and fun takes on fashion styling is such a good reference point if you want to spruce up your wardrobe! If only I worked in corporate and I could buy all the things she recommends haha This one was very useful, I want to go on a trip just to recreate this style calendar by her.Podcasts 🎧
From the Louis Theroux podcast, Jennette McCurdy, discusses about her mom and her memoir, “I’m glad my mom died.” It was fucking sad, honestly but such a good conversation.
The Retrievals is a really fucked up one that if you are in the middle of egg retrieval procedure or any sort of fertility matters, consider this a warning. MY GOD!! When women’s pain is not being heard enough. You know if this was men…? Well they would probably not even tolerate the pain to begin with.
Why Are We So Bad at Reporting Good News?
A very thought provoking TED Talk on reporting more good news.
Things that I’m eyeing but I’m holding off (for now.)
I really need to get on this crochet trend right? This handmade skirt is… so cute. (Please don’t buy it) Also am I weird for knowing exactly where this photo was taken in Paris? I want to really read Yellowface, that everyone is raving about. Also want this pear of white pants ¥20,000 (!!!) Probably going to buy this for my mom and myself (it’s on sale!) This article is a bit old but I’m now on Tiktok just because I wanted to watch Sophia Richie’s GRWM. She uses this CHANEL sculpting highlighter that I’m pretty obsessed now too.
Some exciting things are coming up next week! My birthday (duh!!) and some news installments for this newsletter that will be fore *paid* subscribers. I think it’s completely worth it. Thanks again for reading x Always with much love bisou x Megumi