Don't rush life
When I used to think I was wasting my youth.
I had this essay in my draft and I’m polishing it up after coming back home from delicious and dreamlike trip. Reading essay on her short romance , I couldn’t have relate to it more. “That maybe I would get to have what so many others make look easy, even if I was getting it later in life.” Today’s essay is exactly about that. It’s about rushing to get romance in fear of missing out. But now, knowing that I am capable to be patient and willing to accept that things just come later in life to some, I feel sanctioned to live a little slowly.
If by any chance my diary is leaked!!! and people will read it carefully, you can tell a recurring theme going on around 2017-2019; the keyword will be ‘short on time.’
I was going on lots of Bumble and Tinder dates at the time. I will match with men ferociously so I can get myself a date the following week. It was sort of like a race against myself and my youth. I decided that somewhere along the line, I’m going to die alone and what other people seem to have going on, like having partners, I just wasn’t able to secure one myself. I was swiping in fear and dread, “This guy also doesn't live in Japan?? FINE. He will have to do for next week but in the meantime, I have to find someone who lives here.” I don’t know how I had the energy even if I’m being honest. I would wake up at around 7am, head into the office, first person there, caked up and dressed well, and that night I would meet my bumble date in the neighborhood and have dinner or drinks. It will go as long as past midnight but I was never able to bring these men home because I was still living at my parents house. It will either end with nothing or a kiss outside ー sometimes a steamy make out sesh in the streets. I would come home like nothing happened, just a little tipsy, and remember that night as if I just did something so interesting and cool. I would go to work the next day as usual and start swiping in the bathroom to secure a date for next week.
I did become addicted to dating apps and going on dates at some point (Will write more on this soon.) It was a way for me to check if I was relevant to men. I saw all my friends in relationships that were traveling and going out to dinners with their boyfriends, I just couldn’t make sense how it’s taking this long for me to find someone I can do that with. I wrote down in my diary one time, “If SHE can have a boyfriend, I truly cannot understand why I can’t have one.” It was a numbers game, I thought. I was meeting men on rotation and going on dates religiously but nothing worked. Was I that impossible to men that I just wasn’t worth sticking around for? Self-deprecation was my forte and with no surprise, I hated myself for that.
The number of dates and “body count” was adding up and I was filling my diary with scribbles of men’s names and detailed information about them. It felt like as I filed more men in my notebook, I felt safer and fulfilled. It was a comfortable illusion I was creating so I didn’t have to cry myself to sleep another night feeling lonely. But the joke was on me. I probably cried so many times during those years using the apps because men treated me badly or I was left behind unloved by anyone, or so I was telling myself then. The self-loathing that came with dating men was exhausting. I was also exhausted for wanting more than I already had. I didn’t know how to stop because stopping meant no dates, and no dates meant no attention that I was craving so badly.
I once heard Dolly Alderton say, her fear of missing out on things was uncanny to a point that she would walk past a flat and see some kids having cigs from the balcony and drinking wine, seemingly having the best time of their lives, made her fearful of missing out on things. FOMO tends to never be about what is best for you, but it’s more so about the best interests of others. I was rushing the fuck out on time and I didn’t even take note on what I wanted from all these dates for years. It slipped my mind I think… to be honest to these men and tell them what I really wanted. Being honest meant I had to take the hard road and it would have taken more time to probably find someone and I convinced myself that I just didn’t have that time.
seems to be notorious for rushing through her life and over doing a lot of things, understandably so! She has three children and creates podcasts that are widely listened to all over the world,(Book chat +Doing it right + Unreal and so much more!!) and writes on weekly! and reads like 100 books a month. (well not really, but you know what I mean.) She has spoken about slowing down and taking time to do the hard things and really think about the work she is putting out there rather than just doing it and ‘getting it done.’ She also gave advice once that’s nothing fancy but honestly, I sort of go back to when I need to take a step back. “Don’t expect it to happen overnight. And don’t want for something that someone else has - carve out your own niche.”I wanted the things that a lot of people had, and that was love and security and it resulted in fearing that I was not doing the right thing in my youth. I thought I was supposed to be having tons of sex and going on lots of dates and I would be able to find someone but the reality was not like that at all. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to reflect back in time and make sense of why I did what I did and be understanding to myself. Now, with the healthy mental state and tools I have learned to incorporate in my life, I can care for myself and give the love I need to tell myself that what I did was nothing bad but it just takes some time for some people to figure out what they need. In my case, I’m probably still figured it out, but I’m more or less sure about myself than those years on dating apps.
It’s the harder thing to do ー to be honest and to be patient. But it’s also the better thing to do because you know what you want and that’s the only assurance that matters sometimes. As one of the best podcasts out there says, we can do hard things.
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.
Read
Just a little fun thing I discovered on Subby!!
is hosting a completely FREE writing workshop starting December 28-Jan 6! Insane, really. I heard about 500 people signed up but I hope it will give me inspo at the year end, new year writing routine! Here is where you can sign up.-‘Yeah, I’m Not for Everyone.’ Lena Dunham comes to terms with herself. Why Am I reading a 2018 The Cut article on Lena Dunham you ask? Well, I recently listened to Shameless’s Scandal episodes on her and I had to revisit some of her problematic moments. I mean damn… I want to be a fan of her so so much, but truly sometimes…she is just cringe… and this 2015 essay, Dog or Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz- is really…something.
-Why Aren’t More People Marrying? Ask Women What Dating Is Like.
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Stigmatize glitter was yet another interesting thought provoking essay. I do love glitter and half magic and all that jazz… it just makes you feel fun but I do like to challenge the ways you consume the normal stuff, like glitter for instance.-
I Loved Smoking is such a quick and good one. “The girls who smoked American Spirits were beyond everyone--they were grown-ups, with keys to their boyfriends' houses”-
Undoing loneliness is truly a fascinating read on how we never grief in private but it’s a shared experience and how we suffer together, which was described as “intervulnerability.”-
did a fantastic review on women getting ready and it’s intense labor that is not seen at all.Listen
Here’s the Scandal episode on Lena Dunham. It is fascinating to look back at her V problematic comments on women’s bodies and her joking on her podcast saying, “Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.” Like complete chaos of a women really.
Just a really nice and soothing morning playlist that was made by one of my friend.
Watch
Michelle Zauner talking about her memoir, Crying in H mart. It’s on my reading list for a while now but I love her honestly in all of this.
Rien a Foutre
No fucks given, is the English title for it and this is a delicious film if you ask me! A relatable watch as a women; on dating apps, going to work, getting fucked up (and fucked too) and all the other stuff with your family, this is exactly a cozy watch that’s so well acted out by Adèle Exarchopoulos.
Things I don’t need but want
So I recently destroyed my entire apple phone case RIP! Fuck that silicon shit really. But now I’m on a hunt for some fun phone cases. This strap, me love. I saw this top By Anna October on
in her Instagram and I really want it, but I’m just going to look at it for now. I’m in my new brow era, (Taylor is not the only one in her era) and I purchased this Kosas brow pencil for its rave reviews. Via Pandora Sykes’s rec, The good Squish has the cutest big scrunchies. Do I really need another Daphine, and this one as a pinky ring? Sure! I’m loving this red bikini from Venroy, why am I looking at bikinis in winter? Who knows!Thank you for reading this week’s love or not to love :) I appreciate you as always, and you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis for some more fun and yum content. As always Bisous x Megumi