Friends, strangers, exes, etc.
What's worse? and lots of reading links like my favorite tiktok account now (shocking)
I find it difficult to be selfless because my friends do it so naturally, and I have to work towards it. I asked my friend Yuri, “You do it so naturally, taking care of people, do you even notice you are doing it?” and she said, “No, this is nothing. If I can help, I want to do it and that’s it.” In horrific times like this, if only I can be just a candle to light up a room, to make someone’s night a little bit more sufferable tonight, I want to be that warm light to someone.
My friend Hena and I watched Jane Austen’s “Persuasion” adaptation played by Dakota Johnson while we were in Korea. As Vox put it, it was dull. The movie was frankly too cringe! Not-funny when they wanted it to be. I believe Vox said, ‘shallow in its emotions’ which I agree with. Jane Austen is a genius for a reason and I don’t know why they had to interpret her emotional intelligence in a corny way. She wrote six novels in her time over 200 years ago, and yet we still talk about her and make movies about her books. Why? Her thoughts on love are timeless, at least that’s how I see it. In an age where, well books were the only things people had to entertain themselves with, Jane Austen captured heartache, love and emotional turmoil that comes with it when you fall deeply for someone. If you do incline to do so, I’ve been following this Twitter account for years, you’re welcome.
In Persuasion, Anne says something looking into the camera that I had to pause for a second and think which is worse?
'Now, we're worse than exes. We're friends'.
I’ve done some digging, and Netflix actually changed the line from the original novel and while they sort of captured what Austen initially was saying, but perhaps not in the slightest!
In the novel, “We’re friends” is described as “It was a perpetual estrangement.” Now, if you put it that way… well being friends does sound worse and I too, completely felt this to my core.
In my years-long dating life, I probably have two kinds of men in my life; one that was sort of an ex insisting on being friends, turned into a stranger, and the others are just simply acquaintances. If I’m being honest, once I become intimate with someone, they tend to become strangers or acquaintances, not friends. I once had a girlfriend of mine who I can’t recall said to me, “I’m friends with most of my bumble dates.” I couldn’t believe it because in my dating methods, if we became intimate with one another and it didn’t work out, we become strangers. Some cases, we are connected on social media, but again, I wouldn’t have dinner or catch up on life with them - an acquaintance sounds about right.
I’ve always been pretty black or white about this and I believed full stop that ex’s can’t be friends. I know many people who have a delightful arrangement, but I just didn’t believe in it. T insisted on being friends with me in the beginning when he left Japan but I remember how painful it was to be just friends. When we were talking about this years ago on the phone, he said, and I quote, “Megumi, you are a good friend of mine.” with an emphasis on the ‘good’ part as if that would help my conscience, as if that would give me comfort. I remember those words for a reason because it really hurt me. It felt like a downgrade, it felt like I was less than now to him when I used to be something more to him. I knew from that moment that it was over.
I saw an article once from The Guardian that it’s almost impossible to become friends with your ex if one of you still has feelings for them. No one probably had to tell me this, but of course it is. Friends talk about what kind of dates you’ve been on recently, who you have a crush on, or who you had sex with and if you can’t even do that with your so-called friend who used to be your ex, there has to be a reason for that. In my case with T, he moved on from me before I was even able to catch up on it, and I move on from him years later. I don’t want to be with him anymore, but to stay friends (as he still insists on doing so!! and I sort of think it’s pretty funny at this point so I’m like ok whateves???) just feels more painful and cruel - in that sense as Izzie Price puts it, “Persuasion did struck a chord about mourning an ex.”
I also want to add that it’s probably an easier choice to become ‘exes’ than friends. Friendship requires work to catch up, check in and be thoughtful about one another. You can’t just dismiss the person and ghost, like Miranda does if you know what I mean. If we put Sex And The City characters in this Jane Austen math, Miranda is an expert in becoming just exes with past relationships, no strings attached, good day Sir/Ma’am! Carrie is almost too friendly with all her past relationships, and Charlotte… Well Charlotte is just madly in love with Harry and we love that for her.
This also reminds me of the relationship Marianne and Connell had in Normal People as well. (*Spoilers!!) The last scene where they decide that they can’t be together but you sort of know that they won’t become estranged but they will truthfully remain in each other’s lives no matter what will happen…? It can happen, yes, to stay friends and grow together separately - but the truth is, we will never know until we are there ourselves.
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.
Reads
-Beauty critic,
has a new Guardian column called “Ask Ugly!” Her first advice on Botox could not be more timely for me, not because I got it, but I just went to Korean where almost every single person has some injectable’s to their face. Should you be getting Botox? Welcome to Ask Ugly, our new beauty column! A really good read as usual!!!I remind myself that ageing is another word for living.
-Then a little self-care dupe and how we got it all wrong.
-The makings of a literary it girl by Nylon. One of my favorite novels I read this year, Happy Hour by
had a quote saying not many publishing companies know how to market a book now…they all think how it will look on Twitter or on the Internet and that’s why authors tend to put matters in their own hands and have to PR their own books.-This diary entry by Ottessa Moshfegh, done exclusively for a Maryam Nassir Zadeh’s Fall 2022 runway show was fascinating. It’s from the link above the literary it girl piece in Nylon, but writers and fashion mingling together is an interesting choice.
-This was so fucking interesting!!!! Half Baked Harvest was probably one of the first cookbooks I have ever invested in, and started following an Internet food person and I had no idea she was….well clueless about things. I too!! have sort of felt her recipes are heavy on the cream, butter and other fat… and sort of just portion heavy in general, but thought maybe her recipes are more for families, but didn’t know that it was just me who thought so! I feel like I know something very new now.
-Will go into it…later…but I started watching and Just like that… I know…I’m two years late to the game but my god. I hate it but I love it, just like almost every pop culture phenomenon! If you are an OG SATC fan, the homage fashion statements and the dresses they bring out for Carrie is…I mean I live for it.
does a recap of season 2 and it’s worth the read if you are into the fahiownnnnn <3 Follow @justlikethatcostumes, it’s so good.
-The Real End of David Chang’s Momofuku Ko Happened Years Ago
-Been reading lots of celebrity profiles recently, is Facility Blunt a celebrity - sure. I read this one on Bustle about her being the agent for Lessons in Chemistry (Who knew!!!) Some profiles are wrapped up in a neat bow, like this one, some are objective enough but observant as well, which I find that kind of profiles more interesting.
Watch
-Sofia Coppola being unapologetically a nepo-baby, I’m here for it and we love her for it. Own it! “My dad told me to wear comfortable shoes.” Having a low budget for Lost In Translation and shooting it for 26 days is truly insane. May God be with Sofia.
-Marie Antoinette directed by Sofia Coppola
Speaking of Coppola, oh yes, I watched it. I’ve watched probably one too many adaptions of Marie Anotinette, but of course this one was the best. The cinematography, and how it captures the loneliness as a child sex slave to produce the next king but somehow it’s very Antoinette - whimsical and fun, probably just how she only knew the world as. Brilliance!
Listen
-Happy Dolly Alderton publication day!!! Press clips everywhere and I’m loving it. A delightful conversation once again with Annie Macmanus.
My friend Hena recommended me this podcast about well, Queens. It’s mostly just things that are good to know, but I now know that I like podcasts that has structure well more than just a chitchat. Still a good pod to have in the background!
Other things
I made two things from the Smitten Kitchen this week; this mushroom marsara pasta bake (opted in for just some white wine) and this plum cream scone cobbler , both delicious. From the
, finally found some cute red socks that I’ve been looking for! Why am I looking at a summer dress when *winter is coming? I laughed too hard watching this tiktok. Tessa Bailey is a fucking genius for story? plot? I don’t know. I want a red balaclava and that’s that, this one is CUTE but anyone have any other alternatives?