my first heartbreak and falling in love
A heartbreak story and an An Observation from my empty wine glass!
As always, you can see some reading recommendations from the past week or so :)
Neon is emotional for everybody... That’s why neon is at fun fairs, casinos, red light districts and bars. It’s also to do with the way it electronically pulsates around the glass, it creates a feel-good factor. Neon can help people who suffer from depression.
By Tracy Emin 2014
I found Tracy Emin’s artwork through the newsletter
written by . I love her writing and whenever she has her Guardian column out, I take notes. Tracy Emin’s work is unashamedly honest and emotional. In the artworld, her work is called ‘confessional work.” As someone who is always word vomiting here, I feel a certain type of kindred spirit. When I saw her artwork, “My bed” I was like, hm, surely I have such a different life from this person, but I relate to this so much. She created this after she has gone through a terrible break up, and observed the mess she created. Cigarettes, some kind of meds, tissues, period stained pants, and whatever else that is considered messy I guess. I look around my bed and there’s empty mugs or a ton of lip balm sticks just lying around. Oh and probably my AC remote control that always gets buried underneath the clothes and coats I put on my bed as well. I find this sort of work so interesting because it’s a self-portrait without seeing the creators face but yet it elicits a familiar feeling.
This made me think of my recent morning finding ー an empty glass of red wine just sitting on the racks in my living room that I forgot I had put there. I smiled when I noticed it the other morning because I was like oh I love that frame. It was an aesthetic that I was craving since I was a teenager. A woman drinking wine in her own apartment and doing who knows what! (I was probably watching Kate Hudson’s new TV show, Running Point. It’s not great guys.) It was that familiar world millennial women are told through movies and stories. An empty wine glass left on a table was a woman ‘going through it’, like Bridget Jones or Carrie from SAT. Women who can’t have it all or maybe more so women who just don't get it. I wasn’t aspiring to be the woman who doesn’t get it, I mean none of us are out here intentionally trying to do that, (all that women want is to just live in our filth!!! ah I guess not all women of course!!!) but I absolutely fantasized the idea of wanting to fail and get back up on my feet. After watching these movies and shows, I wanted to have heartbreaks so badly. I wanted to feel something in order to ‘go through it.’ I wanted to fall for someone real, not celebrities, but real people with real consequences. I pined for being the best miserable version of myself and still got a happy ending somehow. It’s important to note that the empty wine glass left over night just exists with no further implications. I’m not going through anything, in fact my life is great now, but it conjured up a feeling that’s familiar looking.
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I never sort of fucked up or failed per se in my life when I was a teenager. I was always very diligent, steadfast and “understood the assignment.” I would never break the rules, even if I did, I felt so bad about it and couldn’t hold up a lie to my teachers or parents. My honestly was, and still is, will be the death of me. I love that about myself and that’s what my boyfriend likes about me too; that I care about stuff. Getting in trouble just didn’t make sense to me. Why would I want to be on the naughty list when I’m already sort of standing out just because of how I look? It was best to just be a good girl.
I also never went through an intense heartbreak when I was young. Sure, I had a boy I desperately liked from 1st grade all the way to 6th grade ー it’s crazy that at the time, girls will change who they liked when they start a new grade every year ー I liked one boy for the whole of 6 years, that was something to talk about. I gave him chocolates on Valentine's day every year, I cozied up with his mom and little sister so I could be ‘a part of the family’ ー don’t know where I got this adult-like idea from at age 7! The last year at school together, I wrote him a love letter and professed my love, and he replied back to me with a piece of paper he ripped off from a notebook, “You’ll do great in your new junior high school!” *I wish I know where this note is! It could have been lost in the mix now.
At the time I didn’t recognize that moment as heartbreak, it took me a while to put words to that experience. With him, I’ve had a couple of interactions as young adults. He always lived around the neighborhood and entering university, I was still sort of hanging out with my high school friends in the area we always hung out. One time, we met each other randomly with his friends and my friend, and decided to exchange numbers to keep in touch. We now have entered the smartphone era so I think we’ve also exchanged Instagram accounts too. We had a couple drinks together at a pub in Jiyugaoka. It was weird, sharing a drink and reminiscing about the old days with him and his friends. My feelings for him boiled up again. The last time I only knew him was when he was a 10 year old boy and now seeing him mature (let’s say), smoking cigarettes with his friends, everything came back to me. I started to yearn for him whenever he didn’t text me back. I heard he has dated so many girls and maybe even he was dating someone else at the time when we started hanging out as friends again. It all made me feel sad, that I probably liked him first, during his primitive years god damn it!!! and probably the most even!!! but we never ended up together and all the other girls got to. They don’t know him like I do. I convinced myself that I deserve a happy ending. That was when I knew, ah my heart feels a little smushed.
It’s no surprise to people who read this newsletter, but rest assured in my whole of 20s, I was basically having heartbreaks left and right. What I would say to the girl who wanted to have heartbreaks with real consequences (with real people might I add!!) ー oh you got them alright.
I love to observe the state of mind when things are bad and really good; when I’m in the middle of a heartbreak or when I’m in love. Hessel writes in her recent column,
For those in love, how does the weather feel? What does the world look and taste like? How do your feet touch the ground; how do you walk through the streets? As Tracey Emin’s 2012 neon reads: It’s Different When You Are in Love.
It is different when you are in love. Whenever my head scratches I think about my boyfriend. I want him to wash my hair for me again because he washed it with so much care and affection. Whenever I hear a song that my friend Gemma will like, I won’t say anything but just send the Spotify link to her what’s app, as does she. When I hear a similar story about something my friends and I already talked about, I reference my friends saying that “so and so said the same thing too!” because I like to mention their name and insert them into a conversation even when they're not there. Whenever I’m alone doing nothing, I don’t feel lonely anymore. This is probably because I’m in love with the people around me. I always think about the people I care about. I’m always thinking about my friends, my boyfriend, and my parents whenever they nudge me for a response to text back. Things can feel different when you’re in love and out of love ー but most often when I’m in love, sunny days are sunnier and … well rainy days are just rainy.
After I read this story, She is in love with Chatgpt , I saw that the daily also had an episode about it. It’s a weird listen, but I recommend it if you are interested.
I’m currently reading Hua Hsu’s Stay True. I shouldn’t recommend something I haven’t finished yet, but it’s so beautiful. He writes with so much astute emotion.
“black box diaries” and why it’s not showing in Japan - from the NYT. I’m trying to cook up a response to this but there’s so much to think and discuss about that my thoughts are scattered.