My recent thoughts on being alone
From solo traveling to solo dining. The comfort of knowing that I was ok to be by myself just for a little bit.
I say this sincerely with a straight face but I sometimes think that I’m too strong - not my physical abilities but my mental capacity to be able to basically do anything and everything on my own. I think I’m built to do everything by myself and I’m really, really - really good at it.
I sometimes listen to a podcast called Alonement with Francesca Specter. Alonement is a term coined by Specter in her book and it’s about celebrating the purpose of being alone. How to be alone and absolutely own it. She poses a question each episode with guests exploring this idea of being alone. What turns solitude into a positive, fulfilling experience? I love listening to this podcast for multiple reasons but for one, it gives me insight into why I resent the idea of being alone often, while others seem to have a handle on it. There were two moments recently that I wanted to talk about here that really made me feel alone, but it didn’t make me feel lonely - and that was exhilarating. I learned a couple years ago that being alone and lonely are two separate things, and I may have understood a bit of the joys that come with being alone, completely. I needed to take a mental note of that feeling because it was rare for me to not cry and crawl into my bed watching Veep or Motherland and writing in my diary : I’ll die alone. Instead, I wrote, there’s nothing I can’t do.
This June, I went to Vietnam, but there was a bit of a hiccup before I left Japan. My passport was not renewed. Well, let me be clear. It wasn’t expired, it just didn’t have more than three months between my departure and the expiration date. Now, as much as I want to ramble my way through this expiration date fiasco, like why would you even call it an expiration date then if it’s not technically expired but I guess it’s not valid?? Some people seem to have known the hidden three months rule, so I sucked it up and learned my lesson. I was told off at the check-in counter at Narita airport at 7am when I woke up at 4am. I was shocked and confused of course but hey, it wasn’t anyone’s fault so I couldn’t do anything about it. Here’s what I did next. I didn’t call my parents or a friend or a partner (well, I don’t have one) to frantically cry about what happened to me but I went up to the viewing deck and put myself together and started to apply for renewing my passport online. I did the most practical thing possible at the time. THANKGOD for the Japanese government sometimes - efficient or not, to be able to apply to renew my passport within 30 minutes online and then actually getting my passport seven days later was truly magical.
I did end up telling a couple friends about this after I sorted my situation by myself very calmly, and was heading back home literally an hour later after arriving at the airport. Then one of my close friends who has been with her partner for years said something that lingered around my head. She said to me, “Omg, did you cry??” My initial response was “No! haha Surprisingly I think I handled it very calmly and I’m proud of myself.” This response of hers stuck with me, mostly because I’m insecure to be alone and it makes me feel like it indicates that I’m just a lonely girl who is never going to find anyone, it reflects my failure of not being able to be loved and I don’t want people to think of me that way. It’s all in my head and I’m being completely egotistical about it, but I noticed myself getting angry after that question.
I guess I could have called my mom and cried to her about it, but I didn’t.
I guess I could have cried to my friends about it, but I didn’t.
I think I genuinely learned over the course of traveling alone for years that hardships are meant to overcome alone in solitude. I’m hard on myself like that - I don’t let people help me. At the end, you realize that it is possible to overcome things on your own, but I also think that I could have saved a lot of time and mental fatigue by letting people help me.
When you travel so much alone, you learn to adapt and move quickly in a way that others who are coupled up don’t know how to. When something terrible happens when you are traveling alone, like losing your passport, missing your flight or I don’t know, not being able to board your flight because your passport is going to expire soon - you have to sort it out on your own. You need to take initiative and work that brain of yours and think of solutions. I see my friends who have partners and see strangers who travel as pairs often and find a significant difference with solo travelers - they rely so much on each other.
This is a great thing of course, as a couple you should be a team player and help each other out. It means that you are a collaborative partner. But also, because you rely so much on them, it’s not as far as an addiction, but you almost don’t know how to function without them anymore. If I’m being completely honest, when I see couples traveling together, I always whisper to myself, you guys have no idea how easy it is to travel with someone. Someone can hold your heavy suitcase for you up the stairs in small town Italy that has zero elevators, you can pick and decide on a place to eat together because joint decision making is more comforting, you can decide on a plan the next day together and not just rely on yourself - having someone to travel with just seems like the most easiest thing I can possibly imagine. So when I hear people becoming anxious or nervous traveling with their partner I’m always like, “You literally have someone right there to help you through that.” I’m probably a bitch for acknowledging this, but it’s the truth.
Then, there was this other moment that was a bit more sweeter and tender - a moment of self love. I went to Kamakura on my own for a night for my summer vacation.
I fell in love with myself a bit.
I don’t know how it happened, but I was completely entertained by my own company. I just started working a little bit in my hotel room and drank a beer and once I was finished, I started googling places that I wanted to go for an aperitif and dinner. My heart was skipping away as if I was planning a date with someone. I found a Spanish tapas place that was fantastic. I ordered a cava to start, and then just some salami and meaty nibbles to start with. The table was literally my playground - I could order anything I was craving. Salty, junky and meaty food. I didn’t have anyone in the group that had to say, “Maybe like a salad?” I then ordered patatas bravas, if you know you know. I continued to order more glasses or wine and started to get drunk. I started to observe the restaurant and saw that a few locals were coming in and out alone. The place seemed like an ally for us loners. I was reading my book that I have brought with me (Currently reading Rules of Civility by Amore Towles ), and while not much of the book was consuming my mind, I felt like this was it. This was the life I was probably going to keep living. As much as I would have loved a man sitting across from me, I enjoyed every bit of my own company and my drunk thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely would have enjoyed the experience more if I had someone there with me, probably, but I was completely ok at that table alone. At the end, I was conflicted if I wanted to order dessert. I recently realized that when I went out with friends, all my friends don’t normally order dessert. I know, crazy but they just don’t. But this time, I had no one to tell me otherwise. I literally was able to order a dessert without being bothered or rushed. It felt like the time was mine - I owned the time.
I felt stronger than ever - I thought that there is really nothing that I can’t do on my own anymore. Things will phrase me, things will still make me sad, but it felt like I was even in control of those feelings now.
When we talk about being alone or single, there is always one word that comes up often and that is fear. It is a scary thing to be alone or feel alone and not be excited about it in a world where everything seems to be designed for couples. Lena Dunham puts it perfectly in her essay collection Alone Time in The Lonely Stories.
Alone is a place where nobody would want to go on a vacation, much less live permanently.
Your other half, your soulmate, plus one and whatever other phrases we use to remind us that you are now two and not one. The constant reminder of being single while you listen to your friends' long term relationships makes you feel like you are left behind or even outcasted. I had one of my best friends tell me once that she has so much respect for me for being alone and doing shit on my own for so long. I laughed and thought that was a cute thing for her to say, but I also felt crushed as well because I also want the world to know that I’m not single intentionally - it just somehow happened to me like this. I don’t wish to be single or alone all the time, but I also wanted to celebrate the feeling that sparked in me the other day. I didn’t feel lonely or felt out of control when I was told I couldn’t board the plane - if anything I seized the opportunity and handled everything very appropriately. I was proud of myself. I didn’t feel insecure or sad that I was eating alone at the tapas place - I felt strong and free. Everything is still difficult, dating, finding someone you think is worth your time and all that and I really don’t think it’s going to get any easier. But it was just a little bit comforting to know that I had that spark in me to feel excited about being alone because I’ve always resented the thought of alonement and I was always tired of being alone all the time. But it was a relief honestly that I actually can enjoy those moments of being alone a little bit and I hope that spark will only get bigger.
Reads
After happily watching Barbie, I’ve also been very interested to listen to other people’s opinion about the film. Obviously,
Barbie Has Cellulite (But You Don't Have To.) had a very good point. Men Yell at Me newsletter is also a new one that I found recently that is really great, and had a good essay on Barbie, Everything and Nothing.You guys, new favorite newsletter alert!!!
Gatekeeping is such a fun peak consume content for you. I saw the CUT article on Gatekeeping and stumbled upon her newsletter. What the Internet’s use of “Gatekeeping” says about power, a really good read.Then I got into
newsletter about all things celebrity fashion, culture, beautiful culture etc. Just even this entry on Kim K’s Marc Jacob’s new campaign ad take was really interested to me! Learning new things everyday!Podcasts
The podcast that inspired this entry Alonement, The Secret to living your best single life, and a complete fashion focused podcast The Run-Through with Vogue.
TV
I don’t know how I missed this but HOW TO with John Wilson is something I’m obsessing over at the moment and telling everyone to watch it. John Wilson is a documentarian in New York and he films that most bazaar and weird shit that happens. It’s really a feel-good content and this show will probably be on list of shows to watch over and over.
MOVIE
I watched She Said on Amazon Prime when the #metoo movement was about to rise in America and Harvey Weinstein’s convicted sexual misconducts were being revealed. It’s inspirational to see how the #metoo movement came along and journalists doing the work that had to be done, but as a film, it was ok. If you like documentaries and actually want to learn in depth a bit more about sexual assault cases in America, victim/suspect is such a great watch. Where women are the sexual assault cases victim but the system turns them into a suspect. It’s a bleak reality of the justice system in America but a really good watch.
Thank you as always for reading this week’s newsletter! You guys mean so much to me. As always, you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis or Twitter dolcemegs if you want to know more about me. Why not? Bisous x
Oh my goodness, thank you!! This means so much to me <3