no more desperate memories
"Memory is inherently personal." by Little White Lies on Aftersun
I used to be obsessed with details. Now, it’s not so much of an obsession, but more so of a mental note I want to take so I can day-dream about the details later on. Memories to me now are sort of for leisure purposes as opposed to holding on to them tightly like it was an obligation to do so. I have a calmer relationship with memory now and here is what I mean.
I wouldn’t describe myself as a detail oriented person so much with my work ethics, but I was detail obsessive when it came to people and encountersーmore specifically encounters with men. Where did we have dinner? What did we talk about? What was he wearing? What did he say to me that stuck out? What was the first kiss like? The first time we had sex like? All of it was even meticulously documented. I had a notebook where I wrote down every detail about the guy I went on a date with. Name, age, color of eyes and hair, how was the kiss, the sex, what was my first impression like etc etc. à la Little Black Book, and funny enough, mine was literally a little black notebook. (see below) It was just two notebooks I picked up in a stationary shop in Florence after an American boy (who I had a fling with) told me he had one that he drew on and I thought that was a cool idea. It wasn’t like I was religiously looking back at these details about these men on a weekly basis, if anything, it was just buried in between the piles of my books. I think I was trying to cling on to a temporary memory that I was so desperate to put emphasis on, like there was something much more important going on than just a bunch of scribbles of men.
I kept these notes mainly for visualizing my ‘triumphs’. If I was a man and wrote about the women I used to date, kissed or slept with and described them as ‘triumphs’ I’m sure I'd be banned from Substack, but hear me out! We know by now that everything we do in life is about something and it means something to you, it’s never just because. You can disagree with me, but as an essayist who believes in honest conversations and going places you normally don’t want to go to, I refuse that humans just do things for no reasons.
At the time, I was in pursuit of my womanhood. After longing for love for many years, I was keep asking myself, why was I intolerable to be loved? I am a woman with her own ideas and thoughts, surely I’m good enough!!!! but when things weren’t working my way, I had to shift my existence as “the token single friend” (Read, The Dangers Of Making Yourself The "Chronically Single" Friend from Bustle) I was documenting my bodycount to prove my feminism, that I was having enough sex and I was a ‘#girlboss’ because I was having lots of sex and I felt ‘empowered’ by making my own decisions. (Note:lots of air quotes there!) To me, being sex positive as a woman meant that I was cool, it was actually never about true sexual liberation. I thought I concurred society's bullshit and I didn’t care about anything. (which in today’s recs of readings, not caring about stuff as an adult should give us the ick, it’s actually not cool!) Samantha from SAT, or Jessa from GIRLS shows us exactly this; the IDGAF energy as women is empowering. In my opinion, those characters are the best ones because of the complexities that womanhood possesses. It’s not that black and white, like an easily disliked character like Carrie or Hanna. It’s easier to create a character that is liked or disliked I thinkーthe in betweens that are just bad enough and sometimes relatable are the ones that are real. Probably why Fleabag was great for that reason as well. She was fucking a handsome guy but questionable in morals, (literally called “Aresehole guy” in the script) and she knew that he wasn’t the best guy out there but she kept on banging him. That was also an act of decision making who is messy and doesn’t have her life together, but at least she’s sexually liberated which is a powerful sentiment as a woman I presume. So those notes kept me going, it kept my womanhood empowering and interesting.
I no longer meticulously document men. Probably because, well… I’m not single anymore (more BIG feelings later on in the year) and I’m in love with someone and it’s mutual. But what surprised me most was that I’m not even obsessively curating a catalog of him on my notebooks. One thing that struck me first of A’s many traits was that he documents a lot of things, and he has a notebook and a pen with him all the time. When something pops up in his head, like a task he shouldn’t forget that day or a saying in a movie that he liked, he will write it down in a notebook. He journals everyday too. He asked me once, “Do you remember where we went after XX?” I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t believe that I would forget a detail, any detail with him, with someone I’m in love with! I thought because I have met a person who is everything to me, I would be fixated on everything about him. My diaries will be filled with his name, like it was with T. For years I wrote about T in my diary to remember both the pain and joys altogether because I wasn’t ready to let him go. I’m frankly relieved that I’m not obsessive over the memories I have with A. I’m not longing or desperate for memories because I know that with A, I can walk by the same scenery again the next day with him and not feel abandoned.
With A it’s real, tangible and assuring. He’s not someone who will ghost me or disappear without saying anything. Speaking of memory, this video essay I once introduced here as well on the film Aftersun is worth the watch.
We have different experiences with memory. We remember it differently, that’s why “memory is inherently personal.” What was once an obligation that came from fear of losing the men I was with is now gone. I was afraid that if I didn’t write about them, it might as well never happened. But with A, I feel no need to prove myself wrong or right or all of the above by writing every detail. He’s the most sure thing that has happened in my life that being obsessive doesn’t make much sense anymore. It doesn’t mean that I cherish A less because I don’t write things meticulously down, but he’s not a temporary memory that I’m desperate to write down. He will be around for a while in my life I think and that sureness is all that matters. Of course, his name will be scattered across my notes and diary moving forward, but the relationship I have with memory seems like a much more healthier one now.
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.
Reads
is a fun fashion newsletter, another based in NYC. I read her Taylor is doing restaurant dressing wrong, and oh boy! I love the track suit look for dinner dates with friends. Definitely going to steal the look! While we are on that topics, I love the list of resto’s TS went to in NYC.
on
, this piece on art and apathy, dakota johnson, and tina fey had so many good points.The idea that all criticism has to be constructive, as opposed to honest, has ruined the community that a gorgeous, contextually bitchy moment can build.
and
ーbut Universal Indifference is no longer something to which I aspire. To proudly care about nothing? As an adult? It's annoying and boring.
honest criticism will only move us forward for better quality discussions than a fluffed up commentary!!
by the
, her Home Economics series is great. Living in Brooklyn on $466k joint income. She is the founding editor of The Refinery29, Money diaries , but it’s so crazy to me, what gets you what in America v.s. in Japan. The cost of living is in fact crazy to think about.I will be writing much more on this later… but the Japanese government is subsidizing egg freezing procedure for women from the ages of 18-39. This article, is probably the most offensive statistic the government could have released. I mean…. 200 women ????? like that’s just one school. lol
ー7,000 women have registered for the online seminar. ーThe government estimated demand would be far lower. It budgeted ¥60 million for subsidies, enough to award the maximum amount to 200 women.
100 small acts of love by NYT. Who is this Tim Kelly in Okinawa doing this cute little thing!!!
Jessica Bennet, who is also the host of “In retrospect” podcast that I’m enjoying lots, is a NYT writer and this modern love piece by her is great. Missing the Boat: A Case for Marriage
Ever since I saw this pasta recipe on
Pasta con Ceci with chickpeas, I must try! (recipe below)
Speaking of recipes… my favorite cake on the planet is without doubt coffee cake. You can never find it anywhere in Japan so I think I should just open up my own coffee cake speciality shop.
once again! introduced me to this beautiful coffee cake by Yossy Arefi , in which I’m probably going to bake this weekend. (I bought her book, “snacking cakes” on Mercari which I can’t wait to bake!!!)I’ve been thinking of places to travel this year, (still no international trips ahead!!) and this
entry on A three word travel method was inspiring! Describe a place you traveled in three words!
Listen
I just finished reading Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner, and this podcast on the book was equally great as the Meme discussion on politics in America.
Watch
The Dry
recommendationーan Irish comedy drama? Sure, I can be into that sort of comedy I’m not familiar with. Lo and behold, it was equal parts weird and funny.Thank you for reading this week’s love or not to love :) I appreciate you as always, and you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis for some more fun and yum content. As always Bisous x Megumi
Thank you for sharing The Purse!