Oh shit, I'm single and childless
I'm finally at a life stage where I go to family gatherings and I'm the odd one.
“I don’t care what people think.” - yeah it’s partially true, but if I’m being honest with myself, I hate making people feel awkward because of me. As a chronic people pleaser, I want people to be okay around me. It feels like it’s one of my responsibilities to make everyone feel okay - what a plight it is to be thinking about yourself so much. I don’t know when this started, this idea of making everyone comfortable around me, but probably if I had to guess, it was around middle school.
I was a racially mixed kid in a Japanese school and whenever there was a parent day or sports day, my mom came to support me but she stood out like none other. I hated it, but now thinking back, I bet my mom hated it the most, and to that I wish I was a more of a compassionate kid to my mom. I was pointed out constantly that I was different from the other kids, and sometimes I was ok with it and other times, I didn’t like it. My body image about myself didn’t help. Being half American, the way my body put fat on was on parts that not Asian people will normally put weight on. My butt was bigger and my thighs were bigger as well. My boobs were not as big and I had a smaller waist. I had the typical “coke bottle shaped body” as they will call it. None of the cool brands at the time fit my body type. I could only wear GAP or things that we bought in America when we were there every summer. I hated the fact that I wasn’t able to wear the things the other girls were wearing. It’s funny because maybe some of the girls were partially envious of me for wearing foreign brands - who knows but they say the grass is greener on the other side.
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I already stood out looking different and wearing different things and I didn’t like it at all. The only way I knew how to make it all ok was my extrovert personality and my communication skills: My inherent ability to make other people feel safe. I’ve been so good at it to a point that if I sense any awkwardness around the room, I had a six sense to sniff it out immediately - and just recently it happened and it was a subject that wasn’t the most fun one.
Marriage and grandkids.
My Japanese dad makes inappropriate jokes for the sake of socializing or getting laughs. It’s not cool and no one likes to be the butt of the joke. But he does it anyway because he needs to make conversation and Japanese people don’t have a better way to make conversation. I find it silly and childish.
Recently, I went back to my dad’s hometown which is in a rural area in Japan. We were there for some funeral business and met up with his sister’s side of the family. I have two Japanese cousins, both men and they are married and have children. My dad’s sister has five grandchildren in total.
At lunch, my dad made a comment to his sister with me right next to him, “Well, I bet you are having a great afterlife in your late 60s with all these grandchildren crawling around huh?” The room was mixed with two feelings I think. My aunt (his sister) did seem like she was over with it all. The abundance of grandchildren is making her, let’s say a bit tired.
The funny thing about that house is that the older son lives with the parents now in a separate attic but is basically living together so the grandchildren are always at her house. The younger son is not living with the parents but he lives only five minutes away. The kids are almost all the same age too so they are cousins but more like siblings it seems. My aunt, their mother seemed exhausted, really. She replied saying things like, “Yeah I mean the kids are right here so I’m not going to say it out loud but you know… it’s tough sometimes!” and we all laugh but the children … not so much.
The other feeling I felt from the room was that my dad made that comment to indicate that he has no grandchildren to look after and that’s because the eldest daughter, aka me, is still single and has no prospect of getting married anytime soon either. It was quiet, silent with a bit of tension. No one is looking towards me, but I can feel their six senses staring at me. It was weird and awkward and no one wants to be in that situation.
He has always hinted to the fact that he wants grandchildren, and told me explicitly that “Having kids is great Megumi.” As if I ever said I don’t want children. As I said in my last edition on turning 31, every year I want to have children even more. Not that I have to prove this to people, but I felt the need to say that here.
It bothers me of course that I’m at that age now where my aunts and uncles are curious to know about my future plans, even though it’s none of their business. They would naturally want to know if I have someone in my life or not, if I plan to have kids, if I’m even remotely interested in having kids or not. I don’t mind being asked the question straightforwardly, but I do mind when I seem to be the plot of a joke - a dad who mourns not to have grandchildren because her daughter isn’t getting married anytime soon.
I think about gender roles often in Japan these days and how none of it is murky at all. It’s very clear and cut. A woman’s job and a man’s job is stated in the constitution of whatever blah blah blah thing. As I get older, my body and my decisions are questioned by other people often - are you going to have kids? Do you want them? I wonder what Megumi thinks. Suddenly people care. Family gatherings are probably shit for that reason because it’s all questions and you need to update each other about your life. It’s annoying but again, there’s nothing else you can talk about really. I know that every year I go see that side of the family, I’m always being looked at and asked if I’m married or have any children yet because to people who grew up in the countryside, to be 31 and be single, that’s a recipe to something that YOU might have a problem. I write this all to say that I do hate that I’m the center of the topic for the wrong reasons now. People want to know about my private bits (literally), but also I’m so proud of myself in how calm and present I can be now with myself. I love who I am now and I love what I do. I’m relaxed and I’m ok. I honestly think you’ll hear from me more this year that I’m just weirdly ok.
Reads
A new substack rec for this week! I think I found
substack via MOB’s instagram account. I saw her courgette & parmesan bean recipe and naturally, had to make it for dinner tonight. I was pretty impressed with myself that I had all the ingredients on hand.
I loved this advice column from
last week here on making new friends in a new city. In it, she recommended this piece on Italian Amicizie and you know that I’m going to use that in one of my instagram post.I feel like it’s been ages since I last recommended a book? but a month goes by so fast…I read one book a month at least, and this was the one I finished in July. How to Fall out of love madly by Jana Casale . First off, love the title and the cover, buy a book for that reason, why the fuck not. I did enjoy how the characters had so much to say in this. There isn’t like a particular plot twist or anything, just a slow and normal life that we live in that might seem relatable to some x
There are a couple of books that I want to read now that are on my list. A Life Of One’s Own: Nine Women Writers Begin Again by Joanna Biggs is on my list because of
recent rec, and I would love to indulge in a Annie Ernaux, A girl’s story. I really want to read cleopatra and frankenstein by Coco Mellors too. Oh, and I’ve watched so many Nora Ephron movies but haven’t actually read one: Heartburn is one the list. My attention span is getting so short, and on top of it, I’m constantly so fucking sleepy, it’s so tough for me to go over a book!!!!Meet the Chefs Who Feed Beyoncé and Lizzo on Tour I mean can you imagine??
Creative Morning Newsletter is now my favorite place to just cruise around for some fun and inspirational content. They were recently hiring a Content Manger, (I think I’m genuinely good at this role) if I was based in America, I would have killed for this job. ugh
is also a new fave. So many fun recs!!!! Consumption will never stop.Watch
Dreaming Whilst Black on BBC iplayer
So feel-good, witty, smart and fun watch. Each episode is 20 minutes and there’s only 6 episodes but it’s really great. I love watching show like this because it really teaches me a lot of things about culture in general, culture in the UK in this case.
Podcasts
The daily Can Barbie be rebranded as a feminist icon? Can’t fucking wait to watch Barbie. Greta can just make all the movies from now on.
Gigs
I went to a Loyle Carner concert recently. It was fab. You know that feeling when you genuinely know that someone is a good person and people who surround him are also good people? Well his fans were just all so lovely and calm. Not too aggressive with that toxic masculinity energy. He was so good live, and I would go again. Words from him that was a good way to end the night.
With these words: move forward, move forward, move forward.
Thank you as always for reading. This week’s newsletter went out a bit later than usual but I still made it into your inbox! x You can follow me on all social media at @docemegs for Twitter (or X lol) and @megsgumis for instagram (for now lol ). Until next time! Bisouss x
Been loving reading your substack since finding it recently!! I find all of this very relatable and I enjoy your writing voice!