pain, scars, blood
It sounds dramatic but this past week has been drama.
*a quick riff of what is on my mind now. No details for now, but just a wee little mood board in words.
I’ve been in bed for days now, back is aching and my blood sugar is skyrocketing because of zero cardio movement for the last 7 days. Out of the 7 days, I’ve been sleeping in my parents room for 3 nights. Breaking my fever in the bed my mom prepared for me. Getting served a beautiful breakfast on a tray in bed. “No flowers but oh well” says my mom. Between me eating a wholesome and healthy dinner prepared by my mom and brushing my teeth to go to bed, I cry. I cry because it hurts to bend over to just fucking brush my teeth. I cry because it hurts to dress myself and I need to lean on to my not so strong 64 year old mother. I cry uncontrollably and feel all the overwhelming emotions flooding in waves. My mom hugs me while I wash my face with a damp towel she handed over to me. “I know. I know. Just let it all out. It’s better to just let it out.”
*
I didn’t think that this would happen to me. Probably no one would have imagined it - weirdly in this case, my doctors didn’t even clock it, or should they have?
My body hasn’t been in my control for weeks now and I hated it then, I hate it now. It’s not reacting the way it’s supposed to. My PMS is extreme, it takes a lot for me to get irritable but I’m extremely and easily short with people. I’m bleeding when I’m not supposed to. My period is coming too fast when it mostly comes on the dot. My blood sugar is too high all the time even after eating healthy. I can’t walk up the stairs without taking a tiny break. I can’t walk fast when I’m usually a fast city walker. I can’t crouch into the car seat because my scars hurt me. Putting on socks is a challenge.
My body is resisting - resisting to operate at the cadence I’m used to.
*
Everything happened so fast, I didn’t even have the time to understand, truly, what exactly was happening to my body.
24th Thursday, 10 am I start panicking and crying in my toilet not understanding the pain, the cause, the source, anything at all. Soon after my mom comes running to my apartment. We go to the fertility clinic then to the hospital. My surgery was set to 4:40 pm. It all happened in a matter of 6 hours or so. I was lying in the operating room for the second time in less than a week.
*
I remember things in sounds and feelings. I’ve been dipping in and out of consciousness - literary - for the past week twice.
I woke up from my surgery. I don’t know how many minutes after, but I experienced ‘shivering’ which was one of the side effects the anesthesiologist told me before I went under. Who knew that shivering with your teeth chattering uncontrollably is both hilarious and scary. Imagine with a raw round and your body shivering extraordinary - it’s actually pretty insane.
The night of my surgery, I was barely conscious. lying in my bed with tubes and strings wrapped around, I heard bubbles above me. I’m wearing an oxygen mask to help me breathe. I heard a nurse come in multiple times to check my temperature and blood pressure. One time, I heard the sound of water - she was draining something into the sink. I didn’t know what it was then. Later that morning I realized I had a catheter attached to me. I asked the nurse, do I have something attached to me? She says, “Yup yup! see, you’re peeing a lot!”
To my surprise, I had another bag attached to me on the lower side of my stomach. I felt an ache and saw a blood bag. They were calling it “The Drain.” Self explanatory I guess, but draining the blood out to clean my insides. That hole on my side is still healing but it’s trying to turn into a scab. “it seems like no stitches needed!” The Doc says, phew, finally my body can try to fix itself.
*
10 days of hormone shots, 5 days of feeling sick, 15 days of consecutive fevers, first surgery ever, 5 scars, including “The Drain” hole, 2 anesthesia within 5 days, saying no to 3 jobs and canceling 1 trip.
All of this for 5 eggs.
All of this for no promises.
All of this for a child one day.
Thank you for reading and hoping to get back to some writing soon :) x Megumi