Speaking of "boysober"....
Let me tell you a story when I went off of the dating apps for a little bit.
This is a story about going ‘app-sober.”
I saw this piece on the NYT on going ‘boysober’ and how it’s this year’s hottest mental health craze and I had to hop on the conversation.
Throughout my 20s, desperation reeked in my apartment. I was desperate for romance, men, intimacy and sex. Around 23, I distinctly remember I made a pledge to myself; I need to have more sex. I was a single woman throughout my 20s and I was actively on the market for a decade. It wasn’t a choice to be single, but relationships were sadly never on the table for me. I probably had a lot of sex during that time, to the point that I kept a notebook of men I slept with but I was never like, OK I’m done! because I didn’t go into the dating game with a ‘set goal’ or a ‘set body count’ that would define ‘success’ or being done. I didn’t know what was enough and what was not enough.
But I realized my relationship with sex changed in August 2023.
Casual sex was not fun anymore. It became work, it became sad, it became purposeless and I felt like I was doing all the work for ok sex and frankly I was so miserable. Who wants to have sex and be miserable? Literally no one.
But let me be clear, I never was on the app just to have casual sex ー I wanted a relationship very much. It just somehow never translated into a relationship, (for reasons I know why now) and I saw myself running into a situationship or 〜something casual〜 all the time.
I used to love meeting new guys and going on dates, touching legs underneath the table and being like, oh am I going to kiss him tonight?! But then last year towards the end of my casual dating era, I didn’t even enjoy the anticipation anymore. I was dead tired looking for the right person, not the right person to have sex with but to date. Now looking back, it was honestly even hard to find the right person to have sex with if I’m being honest. I would either find myself in an à la situationship or someone who’s just not that into having sex so much. I found that at least in my case, people were crazy horny to have crazy sex under fucked up circumstances like HAVING A GF OOPPSIES! or just not into being physical but wants a companion to have dinner or occasional drinks with. It was a strange time.
I loved being on the apps when it was fun (!!!) and I loved having casual sex and then going into a spiral of catching feelings and talking about it with friends and going through the whole thing all over again. “Megumi, stop dating men who are emotionally not available.” “Foreign men are tricking you.” “French men are terrible, don’t date them.(IYKYK)” “But, do you think he puts in the same amount of effort for you?” All valid questions. Later I had to google, what does emotionally unavailable mean.
As Magdalene J. Taylor mentioned in her recent NYT piece, “We never should have been exposed to what the apps originally provided: the sense that the dating pool is some unlimited, ever-increasing-in-quality well of people.”
I agree, and I also think I became extremely online heavy when I was on the apps. I was never mentally present. I was so chronically hooked on the apps, a single match or a message from someone I had in mind would have meant a lot to me at the time. (btw, I wrote a bit about this for Metro UK here) After watching the social dilemma on Netflix in the height of Covid in 2020, I turned off all my notifications on my phone, except for dating apps. I couldn’t miss a beat. At dinner with friends, I would check my phone in the bathroom to see who I matched with. I would see if I have secured a date that following weekend. (only to find out that he will flake on the day of! Many times! Been there!) It felt like an unwanted punishment. I felt so alone and deranged. I thought men were being specifically mean to me because I was a little fat or I smelled or something. I took everything personally and it was fucking exhausting.
After a culmination of reasons, I deleted the apps in August. I’ve been on them for nearly a decade and it was sentimental. I even took a screenshot of my latest bio! Finally at 30 I realized that if I was on the apps for that long and I hadn't found that one thing I was looking for, which was to find love, something had to change. Whenever I needed to change something in life, I would do so. Like that time when I needed a new look for a boost of morale, I cut off my bangs. Or when I felt bloated because I was drinking alone too much at home so I decided to not drink when at home and saw results. In theory, it made sense. If this thing, this app has been in my life for so long and I was there for one or more reasons and it still hadn’t happened for me, I had to change that. The better question was also, maybe stop scrambling for love on the apps? Or better yet, stop scrambling overall.
It’s funny how life works hey? Once I stopped fumbling and trembling and scrambling around, I felt so at peace with myself and I had so much more tolerance for people as well. I was easily annoyed by men and the world, a damsel in distress was my look, but that felt so farce. Why would I choose to be unhappy when there’s so much in life to look forward to? After a couple weeks going off of it in August, I look back at the photos and I say this confidence but I looked like a mirrorball! Even my friends were like, “You seem like you're doing really good.”
As trite as this may be, I have a ‘happy ending’ (I hope it never ends!) after becoming ‘app-sober.’ I’m far from being ‘boysober’ because, well I’m dating someone, a man (a boy, whatever fits the ticket here)! I wouldn’t have probably been in the most healthy, trusting, honest and genuinely fun relationship if I hadn’t gone through the icks and yucks of the apps. I loved the apps, but it was never probably the right place to be asking all the wrong questions. Is it too far to say that the universe probably conspired with us to meet right after I went through a cleansing phase with the apps? We shall see.
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.
Reads
I read this article on Prune, a NYC restaurant owned by Gabrielle Hamilton and her decision to close her restaurant during covid. It just only made me want to support local shops and restaurants even more.
This newyorker story on The birth of my daughter, the death of my marriage was going around a few months ago, but I finally got the chance to read it and it was great.
- interview piece on Gillian Anderson. Gosh, she’s so fucking cool. I can’t wait to watch Scoop on Netflix.
I mean this entire interview with Phoebe Philo was phenomenal, I loved it so much. I don’t think I should love a profile this much, but I do. It’s giving forward thinking mindset, but also very old French ways of thinking. And I’m not even complaining!!! Ugh the poise!!! Ja’dore.
The intention, really, is that the pieces stick around for a while,” Ms. Philo said. “They have to be made well, and they have to be considered. And that tends to come at a price point.
Listen
Rebel Wilson is around. Her very first podcast interview after her memoir release, this armchair expert episode was worth a listen. A virgin until 35 while playing all those sexual characters in movies is a fascinating life.
Per
rec, I can’t stop listening to Waxahatchee’s album, Tigers Blood. It’s a little tender feeling in your ears. It’s definitely a spring playlist if you ask me.
4 Substacks
- photo essay for St.Patty’s day!
lots of mentions of her today, (today’s post is sort of inspired by this article) but
writes and this one on situationships and how it’s fucking with our culture is a really good.Octavia Bright has been one of my favorite writer/broadcasters for years now. When I heard Literary friction is going to end, I sobbed. Many of my favorite books and critical thinking came from this podcast and Octavia herself. So naturally, reading her memoir, This Ragged Grace has been on my reading list for ages now. Then seeing this beautifully done interview done by
on , I immediately book marked it. I’m so fascinated to read a book that intertwines, art, sculptures, books, philosophers and films into the BIG things in life we experience as humans. It’s such a cool way to write a memoir and I’m inspired.- on recently did an interview with and I just love Pandora so so much. One of the advice she recently received, I thought is too good not to share. (Take it!!!)
What you see as your limitations are often your superpowers.
A Recipe
my GOD! This easy and yet delicious soup that doesn’t make a lot which is perfect for a one person lifestyle!
Thank you for reading this week’s love or not to love :) I appreciate you as always, and you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis for some more fun and yum content. As always Bisous x Megumi