The unresolved Daruma heartbreak
A heartbreak robbery that was not under my control
“What do you feel when you see the daruma?” my therapist asks. I look into the Daruma for a couple of seconds, with a deep breath tears falling down my cheeks and I say ‘I feel really sad’.
I am going through some deep therapy for a couple months now and we are starting to look into the past in depth and see why I fixate on the past as much as I do, and why it is nearly impossible to let go of literal things and objects in my house that reminds me of certain people. There’s this quote I found in Notes on Heartbreak by Annie Lord and it said ‘it seems like women can’t forget about the past, and men look forward for the future’. As generalizing this sounds, I relate to this. Why are there so many books and movies about women not being able to forget about the past dick or the date or relationship they went on? Why isn’t there a story about a man longing for the past pussy they had and wanting more of her? Or the past date they went on with a girl and can’t forget about her? Why can’t men fixate on the past like some women do? Is there a story out there that I have missed? I think it’s a little mean, and to go further maybe sexist to portray that women can never move on or women are always thinking about the past and men just fuck around and move on as a storyline anymore. But I also can’t help that I am an individual who is trapped in a cage of heartbreak from the past. It’s true when they say, the past haunts me. The past haunts me but with physical pain attached. I get heartburns and stomachaches. I can’t eat or wake up.
My therapist and I started this exercise to bring an object to a session from the past that has a meaning to me and describe how it makes me feel. Funny enough, my apartment is filled with things from men, and especially from a certain person. I’ve already talked about him on my Newsletter before, the infamous T. (You can see what our relationship was in the post here. ) There’s a logical reason to why I have so many things that reminds me of him still in my apartment after 3 years. But there is also an unexplainable attachment issue I have with the past as well. The logical reason is that when I moved into my apartment in 2019 September, it was exactly the time I met T. The first night I spent in this apartment alone was actually with him. This apartment is contaminated with his breath from the start. I did question myself in the beginning if that was ok. If bringing in a man in my own space from the start was smart. Because I heard many things about this. I heard a story once that a girl who was with her abusive ex and when they broke up, even though there is nothing of him anymore in the apartment, there is still the smell, the movement and his shadows hidden in places in the apartment that it came to a point that she needed to move out of the apartment. The apartment became a literal metaphor of pain for her. One of T’s love language was gift giving. So he will bring me back a lot of small gifts that he found somewhere. This is the logical reasoning part I guess, why I keep things because it just fits right in my apartment? A vase that was on sale at a market that is still in my bathroom, a Van Gogh art exhibition he went and the flyer that is still on my kitchen wall because it looked cool, I have a wall collection of restaurant cards I like to go to and there is still the restaurant cards we went to together that is on the wall, and then there is the daruma.
A daruma is an old ancient historic object that people put around their house, restaurants or wherever they might need some luck or good fortune because it is believed that it will protect you from illness, misfortune and such. I think T was just simply interested in the context of what it brings and how it looks aesthetically as well. He used to tell me a lot that he likes daruma. Whenever we were walking around the city and saw one, we will look at each other and say, ‘Daruma!’ like 2 dumb children who were obsessed with each other. He gifted me this right before he was going to leave, and I gifted him the same one when he was going to leave as well. That daruma still sits right on my dresser and there isn’t a single day I don’t go pass by it without seeing it.
A couple months after he left the country, while we were still relatively on good terms and I was following him on social media, I saw that he was with someone now. He started dating a certain girl. Of course, him not being able to be sensitive to my feelings he contacts me more frequently. ‘I started my own business, please follow this instagram account Megumi!’ I looked at this business he started. It was an antique shop. I remember him telling me that his mother was an antique shop person and every Sunday he will go to the market with his mother when he was a boy. He loved all thing antique and furniture and he does have an eye for it. It was endearing to see someone I cared for found his passion after being a chef for a while and now he is doing something what his mother used to do who is no longer alive. I don’t think his mother passing away is a secret but these little ‘things’ about himself what he did as a boy and what he liked doing when I haven’t met him yet, it makes me feel like I can understand him more. It makes me want to consume every bit of his little secrets that he may have not shared with someone in the past. It’s this intense feeling I crave with men that is explainable but maybe unhealthy. I want to be apart of his secrets, a part of his past, and apart of his history. I want to feel like I left a mark in his history. Rupi Kaur has a poem that says ‘everything comes in twos. Life and death. pain and joy. salt and sugar. me and you’. I believe that I am obsessed with the idea of me and you. To be content with solitude and be happy within is important, but when I am with someone in particular, what makes me fall asleep at night is always me and you and our secret.
After I learned that he has an antique shop, I saw a logo on his instagram. It was a daruma. I looked twice because my heart rate went immediately fast. I knew why it went fast. It wasn’t out of joy because he is using the one secret, the one thing I knew he liked as the business logo, but I knew that his current girl friend was also a business partner and she designed the logo. From that moment, the daruma wasn’t mine to keep anymore. It shattered me. People may say it’s ridiculous, it’s just a logo. But for me, it was something I shared with him across the ocean and I was holding on to it as if the daruma will bring him back for good fortune. I still deeply cared for him and I still in my small mind felt that we were going to have another round of us again. I was fixated on the past and just like that, he showed me that he moved on and I should too. The daruma wasn’t mine and his anymore, but it was his and another women’s possession. I thought we had this thing together? I thought we had a secret that no one else could know? I thought that was ours. When it’s known to you what you have wasn’t yours to keep and it can be taken away at anytime, you feel like you are left with nothing. This isn’t true because you have all the memories that he can never take away from you but when the robbery was not in your control, that is when you feel like you’ve been stunned by betrayal by someone you cared for. I think this was my unresolved heartbreak I had with him. I was heartbroken by him but he is still unaware that he broke my heart.
You may ask now, why do I keep this? Well, that’s for next week’s therapy session to dive in so I can’t tell you why I do it. We did briefly speak about if the happiness overweights the sadness when I see the objects. I tried to think about that, but it does remind me of them and the memories we had but sadness overwhelms the objects more. I have an obsession with secrets I think. In the past, whatever traumatic event or episode I had, some of my closest friends does’t even know about it. I keep some specific events to myself. A secret that only I know. A secret that is apart of my identity. After these heart breaks and traumatic events, I keep these little physical ‘token’ for myself. It’s odd I know, but if I throw it away, I’m throwing away a part of me that was really important that shaped who I am now. I keep them safe, the tokens. Some of them in a box because I can’t control the pain, some of them just out so I can see everyday to remind myself that I experienced something terrible and shattering, but I came out of it alive and I’m here. I apologize if this sounds horrifying to some, but I noticed that I act in self-harm. I’m not hurting myself physically, but I’m hurting my heart and wounds that is not resolved or healed in any way. I wish I could be strong enough to let them go. To let the tokens go, and not see them anymore but transform them into peace. To take them to a temple and burn them into peace. The mark that they have left in me is too deep that it’s hard to say goodbye, even when you are saying goodbye to pain.
💘Cultural Recommendations of the week💘
Reads📚
-Annie Lord and Ione Gamble on vulnerability, writing for irl, and the ‘influencerfication' of writers by Polyester Magazine
If you like girl gang shit with educational content and just relevant cultural stuff, Polyester magazine is fantastic.
-I knew I didn’t have a drinking problem – but I had a problem with drinking
-To find the answer, change the question. by Maria Andrew
Podcasts 🎤
A new favorite!! I found them because they were a guest on a show I usually listen to that I once recommended here, Whorible decisions. The concept is similar but way more relaxed with just simple sex topics and failed sex. I just love both of their humor, I cackle so hard every episode I watch/listen.
-Don’t let that loser make you feel like shit! - by Girls Gotta Eat
GGE has been my regular routine pod for a while, but this one hit VERY different this week. Of course, I’m the Taylor Swift in Newsletter I talk about all my relationships, lol I will talk about this guy that BROKE ME last week, and I was crying over him. But when Ashley shouted, ‘You don’t need that person. That person is not right for you if he treats you poorly’. just hits so different…. UGH, FUCK HIM for waisting my god damn tears on him, but if you need a kick, this one is for you.
-Katherine Ryan: Telling everybody everything
I love this!! Katherine Ryan is one of my favorite comedians and I didn’t know she had a podcast. Her very honest opinions about everything is so refreshing and not to mention, hilarious.
Shows 📺
-A League of their own
Everyone seems to be talking about it, so I indulged in the first episode. I love it. Abbie Jacobson who starred in Broadcity is in it, and I didn’t know what it was about. The concept is super new, but very relevant and I think no one has every seen something like this before. So far love it.
Other things that I’m into 💖
Apparently…..this women leads amazing food tours mainly in Rome but in Italy… and I just found out about it….I asked if she has a spot in September and she is all booked….(my poor planning is just so cringe) Also, I wanted to do a cooking class while I was in Italy to learn pasta making but this VERY popular spot seems to be booked as well so I am on the waiting list…wtf. I mean look at their amazing home. A friend of mine told me about Goodreads and making an account. I apparently had an account, lol but will be going up there writing up stuff to practice my writing so we should all sign up for it! I shouldn’t be shopping at all…since I have a European trip ahead, but this travel bag is insane. I needed something light and easy to carry around and jack pot!
Alright. I really have been compiled with anxiety and the unknown is not something I work well with. As much as I’m not a planner with my trips… I’m really terrible to deal with anxiety and as much as the decision for my life was made for myself, it really scares me to not know what is next…
Anyways, thank you always for listening to my emo thoughts and sticking around. I love you guys so much! Megumi xx