Welcome to The Unpublished series! This is a series where I’ll be publishing stories that didn’t get picked up by editors but I felt like it was ok enough. Oh what a freeing thing it is to own your platform and words! I’ve been pitching to a lot of publications since April, some a hit - mostly a miss but I figured why not publish it here? Some might love it? or may not love it? That’s the point. <3
Pitched to Off Assignment : Letters to a Stranger
This might come as a surprise to you, but that was my first kiss in Madrid when we met in January 2016. I was 23 years old. I remember your name thanks to my diary but I’m sure you don’t remember mine. The tiresome romanticism I carry around with me can’t help but wonder - have you written down my name in your diary or on a piece of paper as well?
It was the first week of January, the mood was particularly joyful. According to my instagram post, we were called “#thewildwalkers.” (Game Of Thrones was big back then) Foreigners getting piss drunk in Madrid, dancing in clubs that played latin music - we were living up to the name. Do you remember the guy from our hostel who took us out to that pub crawl that night? I think he had a face tattoo and a handlebar mustache like you see in the movies. I thought Madrid would be warmer but I was wearing a down jacket and coming down with a cold. It’s been seven years since I last saw you, and although I barely remember your face, I somehow remember the jacket you were wearing. It was a tanned suede jacket with a collar. Do you still have that jacket? I actually still have the Dr. Martens I was wearing. I wonder what my first impression was to you? Did I seem clueless to you? Because I was, but I think I also didn’t want to show that. I was young, filled with grit, energy and curiosity about the unknown world. I probably came across as someone who knew it all. I was in a foreign country, traveling alone for months, there was nothing that was supposed to scare me, or so I thought. My diary tells me that I was “proud of myself” for going on that solo trip to Europe and “I achieved a lot in 2015 and I can’t wait for 2016!” Little did I know, I had no idea January 2016 would be the most difficult time of my life - but of course you wouldn’t know that. You were just a guy I met at a hostel in Madrid.
I was obsessively fixated on romantic scenarios, maybe because kissing, sex, and dating happened later in my life. I thought that everything had to mean something and things had to happen with someone important. Not to be rude but I definitely didn’t imagine having my first kiss with you. When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with relationships, sex and anything that was going to affirm my sexuality. I couldn’t stop watching The Bride Wars, The Proposal, 27 Dresses and all the other rom-com films in the early 2000s, you may have no clue what these movies are about but I thought that’s how life will happen. I thought that I would find ‘the one’ through the ebbs and flows and find my happy ending - I was and still am the ultimate believer in true love. I was keeping my first kiss for someone, I don’t know for who but I convinced myself that it didn’t happen for this long for a reason. That’s why, I would have never imagined it would be with someone I can’t even remember the face of. I wonder, would you still kiss me after knowing this about me? I learned in my 20s that men don’t like women who are too serious about romance. Casual dating was the way to go, and I needed to hide my obsession towards love, because I found out that it was going to scare men off. Dating was cruel to me after our first kiss. How was your dating life?
Do you remember our kiss? I wonder how many girls had you kissed by that time? I remember that it was short, weird and on a whim of drunkness. We were taking one shot after another, loud music was playing and a bunch of people were in the club. The kiss was a messy kiss. I can’t believe that I was saving my first kiss to have it happen like that, sorry but it is true. You put your tongue in mine and I at least tried to do the same. I bet I was terrible at it. I didn’t know lips were that soft, it was warm and wet. I was always scared that mouths could be smelly, but the good news is I don’t remember the taste of our kiss. My nostrils were plugged up because of my cold anyways. I heard from my hostel mates that you were apparently “so into me.” Was that true? I could guess that by now, but at the time I didn’t know when boys liked me, I didn’t know anything about boys really. My naïveté showed. The attention probably scared me. I was craving the ultimate titanic love too much, that once I did have eyes on me it made me feel uncomfortable. I now know that the female body possesses so much power, but back then my body and sexuality felt like a display for men, and it wasn’t something I could hold on for myself. It felt like it belonged to other people, and not to me.
Now looking back, the kiss doesn’t seem like a blur - although I probably wanted to turn it into one over the years. But at the time when it happened, I was just so drunk. I barely couldn’t remember anything that happened, only that you put your lips against mine and the feeling of it. There’s a reason I think that I wanted to keep it a blur. It was my first kiss after all. For someone who has been obsessing over the scenario with when and who it will happen with, that kiss just wasn’t on my vision board. In my dairy, I quote “Don’t want to admit/count that as my ‘first kiss’.”
If I’m being completely honest, I don’t think I also wanted to kiss you. It felt like you just wanted it and you took it. I did kiss you, but I don’t remember if I kissed you back. I don’t know if it’s right to say that you stole my first kiss from me, or that you forced me into something I didn’t want to do. But, in the name of honesty, when something weird or uncomfortable happens to us women, a lot of us blame ourselves for it - at least I felt like I was setting myself up for being that drunk in a foreign country and not caring about my safety enough. You didn’t hurt me, but you made me feel uncomfortable. Do you remember that you also put your hands in my shirt after you kissed me? I remember pushing you away because I didn’t want you to do that. After that, I don’t think we ever talked in the club - it was probably for the best.
I don’t hold a grudge against you for being my first kiss but if I could choose what my first kiss would be like, it wasn’t going to be like that. My friend once told me that “Kissing is overrated.” But I probably disagree with her. Kissing to me is the gateway to the unknown parts of intimacy. I want to feel the face, nose and lips against mine to be assured that we both want this. It’s like a trace to trusting someone. I’m 31 years old now and I kiss people I want and it’s pretty great. As a romantic, I do wonder sometimes if you remember any of this. It’s unlikely that we will ever meet again, but if we do, I won’t treat you like the greatest love of my life because I barely remember your face. It was just a kiss, an unfortunate one, but just a kiss. I’m just a girl wearing her Dr.Martens to a club and you’re just a guy who was wearing your tanned suede jacket.
This Week’s Cultural Recommendations
Reads
Writing for Friends Was No Dream Job
Girls of a certain Age newsletter is so much fun and this labor day sale edition was really helpful.This Shaila Hati, speaking to an AI on Paris Review was… phenomenal. Apparently there’s like until part 4 of these? Speaking of the Paris Review, ugh, this piece was so sweet and juicy… I want to just swim around with my girl friends too!! MEN NOT ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT
This is an old one but it’s a good one to re-visit. A beautiful and powerful open letter by Emma Thompson declining a role she actually really wanted to do, but saying NO, to working with a man who has inappropriately touching women at work.
This “hype doc” or “Brag sheet” concept was pretty cool. I would definitely try to do this looking back at my three-six months work. This is a helpful template - also love the name.
Fleabag fans!!! Listen the fuck up. First of all, did you know that
also known as Clair had a Substack? Nope. Didn’t know either. This entry on FLEABAG: The Scriptures was fantastic. I need to buy it now. Fleabag: The ScripturesI made this very easy cabbage, sausage and onion soup? from Cup of Jo It was giving, winter vibes a bit and it was great for a typhoon weather lunch.
This beautiful piece from 2019 “Don’t Take Dating So Seriously”: Relationship Advice From 3 Older Women by Iman Hariri-Kia
(She also seems to have a Substack too, yay! Also, loving her Instagram)on Phoebe Philo, the GOAT of when CELINE was cool (Not my words, other fashion people’s words) but I realllllly loved this piece by her. “Made by a woman, for women”I had sex at 68! That was weird.
This Nick Cave agony uncle advice column has been making its rounds on the inter-web, but oh wow haven’t we all been here or what?
You’ll heal, you know, we always do.
Podcasts
I really enjoyed this episode from The Run Through with Vogue with the white house press secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre.
A new favorite interview style podcast! I loved this one by Zadie Smith, recommended by the oldie but a goodie, The High Low gals. I loved the bit where she was talking about wanting to experience life. That’s why she’s rarely on her phone (hence, the flip phone!!!)
Watch
Bamarush
I heard some people say, go watch Bamarush instead of Barbie if you want to learn a bit about feminism. It was just a really insightful documentary on America really has a problem with making women feel inferior to men, the male gaze and all and it’s more of a systematic issue than an individual one - hence yes feminism seems like a good place to start. Sororities are very difficult (*cult??) to understand from someone who didn’t grow up in America, but why do you even still have them? These girls seem like they are trying to find a place to connect with, which is beautiful but can’t that be done in a less money grabbing, femininity display kind of way?
Things I want, but can’t buy them because I’m buying too much shit. (There, I said it.)
This really fab bikini by ookioh, if it’s still bikini season would probably tapped that. It’s out of stock now (on the wait list) but Jimmy Fairly’s Cinnamon sunglasses in this violet color, I mean how cute. This beautiful Italian handmade shoes? Of course, the ones I want is sold out :( So did ya’ll get the memo that Banana Republic is back? Apparently it is. I would have totally bought this linen dress if there was still my size, but too late!
said it perfectly… not into their styling much as well. I mean purchasing from Abercrombie is wild…but two rib tanks for this price? I mean these sunglasses that are $28???? but only ships to USA? Love that for me.Thank you for reading this week’s love or not to love :) I appreciate you as always, and you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis or Twitter dolcemegs for some more fun and yum content. Bisous x Megumi