to envy adults
My ideal MO is I can order the kids menu whenever I want as a grown up.
I never played the kid card right. A kid to me is like being fearless or reckless and doing secret stuff behind your parents back. I was too…conscious of the world and the people around me since I was a little girl. I was conscious of my surroundings because I didn’t want to stand out more. I tried to hide away from any unnecessary attention. Or maybe it was because I craved approval from authority very badly. To get approval from my parents or any adult was comforting. “She’s such a good girl” was like catnip for me. I always looked 5 years older than my age and I acted older as well. Of course I had child-like behaviors; I made a lot of fits and I was very stubborn if I didn’t get what I wanted when I was a toddler. (sounds very familiar!) But some point, maybe around 7 years old when my little brother came along, I actively tried to play the role of older and maturer. (My parents may have a laugh if they read this!) I was the kid who wanted to always sit with the adults. I was told to go play with the kids, but I would stick around with the adults. (God, I would hate it if any kid mine or not mine, would do this.) I wonder if I ever thought I had more to offer and I deserved to be with the adults. Surely, I wasn’t a kid who had that much confidence. I wonder if it was just that I didn’t know how to be a kid.
This doesn’t mean that I never did fun stuff, like child-like stuff. When I was about 10 years old, I remember I became the girl the boys would want to hang around with. I wasn’t a tomboy but I was probably low maintenance enough that boys felt safe with me. (Bless their hearts) I liked wearing the color pink, dresses and butterfly clips to school, but I also loved wearing a Seattle Mariners baseball cap or a Ducks T-shirt that my aunt sent me from Portland. I always had short hair, not that this is a necessary tomboy criteria but in Japan at least, most young girls have long hair. Short hair was either for boy-ish girls (the parents were cool enough to let them do whatever) or who’s parents were fashion type people. One of the popular boys in my class asked me if I wanted to be a part of this secret mission. 「秘密基地作ろうよ」were the exact words. The innocence, the energy we had. In English, it’s translated as a secret hideout spot. He asked me if I want to make one with him and another boy. Maybe for American kids, a treehouse is more familiar for this instance. A spot where only the kids are allowed. A spot that that was marked as no adults allowed.
We found a spot in Komazawa park, pretty hidden but honestly not too far away from civilization. We may have named the spot but I forgot. We collected rocks and sticks to build a circle around so people will know that this place is ours. We rested at that spot for a little while but we easily got bored in an hour or so and got on our bikes and left. I think none of us ever went back.
It was exciting because I felt like a kid, or at least now looking back, I’m aware that it felt like that. I felt like I was the kid I see in doraemon or kureyon shinchan. Running around in the park, dicking around chasing friends with our mountain bikes. My parents didn’t know about the hiding spot and they didn’t even know that I was hanging out with boys. Whether that was going to be a big deal or not, I don’t know, but my parents were protective. My actions could have been questionable to them if I told them, “We found a hiding spot in the park near the homeless people!” I also liked that it was a secret to the other kids at school. It became gossip. Some kids started asking me, “I heard you and those boys have a spot somewhere. Where is it?” I had to tell them in confidence, “Sorry, I can’t tell you.” It was a little punk and a little ‘fuck it’ energy. Even 20 years later, I remember it all pretty clearly. It was one of the rare kid-like things I did.
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I couldn’t wait to grow up. I just couldn’t. I was obsessed with Tumblr when it was a thing and I loved watching anything Anne Hathaway was in. Princess Diaries was my anthem. Whenever I slept at night, I was hoping to become a princess in another life and have a makeover. I loved that movie so much. Again, I was a kid, I loved very normal kid stuff and dreamed about it often but I always just wanted to grow up faster. It wasn’t for profound reasons like I wanted to be taken seriously, but I just felt like adults do more fun stuff. I couldn’t wait to wear makeup, lipstick, dresses that are too big for me, heels, to try on anything fancy on me, sit at a long table holding a wine glass or a coupe. (This still hasn’t changed by the way.) I used to go into my mom’s closet often and wear her shoes or clothes. If she had clip on earrings, I tried them on as well.
I was daydreaming all the time. I wanted to earn my own money and spend it. I wanted to travel alone and go to restaurants and cafes and buy stuff that I can say, “oh yeah thanks. I got this in Paris.” (Trust me, I have said this many many times!) I loved doing grocery shopping for my mom or going places to buy toilet paper or whatever. Japan is a safe country for almost any 7 + year olds can roam around the city alone. I loved showing up to places alone and taking out my wallet and buying stuff.
Turning 18 was never a big deal, getting my drivers license was so easy, I thought I was meant to drive my whole life, I was that good. Turning 20 at the legal age of drinking, it was the start of being cheeky. I started going out to restaurants that my parents haven’t heard of before and I started drinking wine with a wine glass in hand and taking pics with friends. It was the start of some level of adulthood, I could feel it. Fast Forward to getting my own job and earning my first salary at 23, I just loved it too much. To me, it was a luxury. Not the money aspect, although it played a part in it for sure, I enjoyed making decisions without an adult's permission. I am the adult now. I was in charge now. Wearing those Zara heels to work with a nice necklace and a watch, the ready to take on the world look was such a feel good moment for me. Now, some of it feels tiresome but back then the power and the freedom that came along with adulthood felt like a prize I anticipated for a long time.
When I look around the Gen Gers and Alpha’s, knowing that they were born into the world of Tiktok and social media, I can’t help but think how saturated the world looks like. The world around them is so overdone that I don’t know if there is anything left for them to look forward to. If everything is visible and predictable through social media, the sense of wonder feels at lost. I didn’t know what being an adult really meant when I was craving it so badly at the time. I still don’t know what it exactly entails but I do know that adults are most likely not stripped away of things as long as you have the means. (money) I was perhaps just curious to become an adult. More fun on that side, the grass is greener on that side etc etcc. Details really didn’t matter and I only had very little access to what other adults were doing at the time. Millennials are the last generations that grew up with both analog and digital in our formative years. We are the generation that understands both, the primitive meaning of literally getting bored at the bus stop because you have nothing else to stare at after you finish picking your scabs. We also know how fun it is to play video games and chat with people online. We were very patient for our apple computer to lead up and make that sound, bo000om. We are the nostalgic generation that had a finite amount of access to the world. The balance was perfect. We could stay curious enough to the real world while also engaging in new ways with our friends online.
The allure, the curiosity of knowing what adults actually do doesn’t seem like a secret anymore. The kids are growing up faster - literally puberty starts as early as 6 or 7 to some - and the rise and rise of social media will probably won’t stop. We know so much too much of the world now. A little bit of unknowing, a little bit of secrecy in what happens in the adult world feels lost. I still love the idea and the act of getting older, I’m so lucky that I enjoy the process of progress. I’m so lucky that at 31, I can still be a kid or an adult at my choosing. I’m so lucky.
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.
3 Substacks
who writes is an absolute wild writers corner, filled with information I literally just never knew. It’s just information packed with facts and interesting shit. This post on I think i figured out the future of food is a long, but interesting read.Going off of that one, although I am a stan for AR recipes, I have been craving to look around for new food recipes or maybe different styles of recipes I guess. I found
and although this is a nod to AR vibes, acid added by lemons and capers, I’ll probably be making it very soon.- by is a new discover for me, but I’m loving it a lot. So so much to unpack in one letter! I enjoyed this one bags that fits books, and I’m very very on the hunt of a Gucci jackie bag now. She also recommends tons of tv shows to watch too, which is great when I’m in a tv slump.
3 Reads
TikTok is criticizing young girls who shop at Sephora. They're missing the point. Fascinating read on Gen G and Alpha’s (ages between 6-12 year olds!!!) spending so much time on skincare and anti-aging skin care… I found this piece through
Don’t call it girlhood. I urge you to watch this 6 minute video, worth your time. It’s so scary. Apparently kids nowadays are much more self-conscious about their skin health than their weight image.
The 4B practice in Korea (4B is shorthand: bihon, is the refusal of heterosexual marriage. Bichulsan is the refusal of childbirth, biyeonae is saying no to dating, and bisekseu is the rejection of heterosexual sexual relationships.) I have mixed feelings on movements like this. While it’s so important to have a safe place reserved for women, I don’t partake in men hating groups in the name of feminism, that’s not what feminism is suppose to do. But I also understand that there are women, especially in Asia who are ‘performative or selective feminists’, “There are these feminists who say, ‘Oh, I’m a feminist, I hate men, but I also want to be, you know, consumable.’” but this discussion is also apart of why do women have to feel consumable at the first place - it’s best to change that attitude altogether.
a little extra! This read on why Taylor Swift dresses the way she does. I knew why, it’s her maintaining her brand, but also the last line, the writer went for that one! (Just a side note on TS: On ‘The Tortured Poets Department,’ Taylor Swift Could Use an Editor. I actually really really like the album but the ‘easter egg’ thing is really getting tiring for me! Maybe I just don’t listen to TS like that, but I don’ care to wonder about the most famous person’s life and who is that song about with what allegations!)
TV Shows
This one is actually a
rec, but Vince Staples had a show on Netlflix called The Vince Staples Show. Had no idea he was like, funny funny. I laughed so many times and written down a sentence he said in the show, “That’s like saying I’m not made out 60% water man.” Like wtf?This one is a doozy one. Baby Reindeer on Netflix. I got a low blood sugar after watching Episode 4 in particular (viewer discretion is advised overall I think!!!! but this episode was pretty scary and not fun to watch.), I watched the whole show in one sitting. It’s about a 7 episode show, each stemming about 30-40 minutes long. It was a number 1 tv series on the charts so I was curious but weirdly didn’t hear about it that much on line. But fuck, it was so good. I don’t know if I ever watched something like that. A very critical inter monologue of the protagonist while there’s a whole plot going on is a very intense and engaging show to watch. You would have to watch the show to get it, but when was asked by the police why he hasn’t reported sooner (he has been stalked by a serial stalker for 6 months, aggressively), “The irony is that I’m here to report her and not him” was a very dark moment. Watch it and let me know what you think!
I finally watched Salt, Acid, Fat, Heat on Netflix. A show by Samin Nosrat discovering the basics of cooking and understanding each element was a good way for those who love cooking to deepen your knowledge on cooking, but also I would recommend to those who have no interest in cooking as well! It makes sense and I really liked it.
Thank you for reading x Until next time bisou megumi -
This. We should all know a little less, and hold onto that sense of wonder.