What will 'the other life' look like?
I'm in a Cheryl Strayed rabbit hole at the moment, and dug up her Dear Sugar on Substack on 'the sister life'ーthe unknown path.
As you may know, Cheryl Strayed is a writer who wrote many great things on the internet when internet writing wasn’t even a thing yet, now she has a Substack where she blesses us with her comforting writing here,
. She wrote a column on the Rumpus underneath a pseudonym ‘Sugar’ and started answering people’s relationship and life questions under the ‘Dear Sugar’ column. I wasn’t aware of the site when it was on the inter-webby at the time, I think 2011-2012 was when I just entered Uni and I was 18 or so. When you look back at all the columns now, the timelessness and the sense of security and honestly she gives through her writing is something so special, that when I have time, I’ll sometimes read The Rumpus in 2023. (Is this just me?) She also spoke a little bit about that experience during this time on the podcast The active voice here which was a delight to listen to as well and if you love writers talking about how much they love writing, this episode is for you.She also is the women who wrote Wild. A memoir that my friend Yuri gave to me and I read in 2020. I devoured it. I loved it so much, it didn’t make me want to hike the PCT, but it definitely wanted to make me journal more and be more adventurous in life to build stories and create them. I also watched the movie two nights ago played by Reese Witherspoon, it was good but for obvious reasons, the book was way better.
So! As you can see, I’ve been Strayed-up! And I found this Substack entry she posted last year giving advice to a man who is in his 40s who doesn’t know if he should or shouldn’t have kids. The response of hers made me think…we tend to think of the life of the unknownー the path that we didn’t take. We know all the pros and cons on the things about the life we tookーthat’s because obviously we know that life because we are living in it, but it looks like we have been asking the wrong questions.
It’s hard for us to imagine the life we didn’t take. Cheryl asked him, “What don’t you know?” For the guy who wrote in, he doesn’t know what a life with kids in the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years will be like or what a life without kids in the future will look like but she urges him to use his imagination and write down a list.
For me, I know that I want kids, I know that I want to be in a relationship and stop with all the casual nonsensical dating, and I think I know I want to move out of Japan because I feel like all of these things are tied to my living situation. I put my version of whatever ‘best wonderful life’ is, and wrote down the life staying in Japan vs moving.
I wrote down like 5 pages? of the future of staying in Japan and moving, and honestly… I may as well didn’t even have to make a list. It was so so So obvious that the decision seemed to have already been made. While I was writing, I thought…writing down a list of having a child or not or buying a house or not is helpful because none of it reversible. You can’t undo it. But, I can undo moving abroad. I can decide to move somewhere else and then if it doesn’t work out, I can always always come back.
While I was writing down the future of if I move abroad, I was genuinely excited. It was thrilling to think that I can start another chapter of my life and I actually have that liberty to even do soーsome people my age can’t even do that anymore. I know when people read this, people will think, not everything will be better if I move. My problems won’t just disappear if I move. That is completely right, and I don’t disagree. However, what I fundamentally believe in is that I’ve seen enough and I know the limits that Japan can hold for me. Fuck, maybe I don’t know and I’m just being ‘miss I know everything’ (which my friends tend to think I am sometimes.) But I did the whole thing here. I had a childhood, I worked in corporate for 7 years, I lived on my own for 3 years, and I’ve been going out since I was 18 in Tokyo. I know what it can be like and I’m not trying to get any sympathy from anyone, I just need people to know, that I think I’ve seen a bit much already.
Even if I do move abroad or not, I’ll never know what that life will be like unless I make the move. As Cheryl said, “It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”
…But honestly…? Making the list convinced me that if it doesn’t work out, I can always come back, and I don’t have to make it the ‘ghost ship’ and I can actually be on that ship if I want. After writing down this list, I researched about the visa and see how realistically difficult it can beーI started the admin step that I thought I’ll never start with and I’m pretty happy about that.
Reads📗
Tiny Beatuiful things by Cherly Strayed
Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again….Be brave enough to break your own heart.
The useless days will add up to something….These things are your becoming.
As a sex worker, I didn’t feel exploited
An Eater’s Guide to Tōhoku, Japan’s Capital of Sake, Wagyu, and Sea Pineapples
Is Therapy-Speak Making Us Selfish?
Any Bustle article is pretty rad, but this one that was circulating a couple weeks ago is worth the read. Are we being ‘too selfish’ for having boundaries that our therapists taught us? Hm
*Currently reading and obsessed*
It was shortlisted for the Women Prize Awards in Fiction in 2022 and MANY MANY people I highly respect and take their recommendations seriously has recommended this HIGHY….and it’s not disappointing me AT ALL. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. A WITTY, FUNNY, HONEST writing I love it!!!
Podcasts🎤
Are you Happy : Clare Stephens on being jealous of your best friend.
Subject, Object, Verb: Sheila Heti on thinking about thinking.
Sheila Heti is the author of the book Pure Color that I’ve seen many people read last year. After listening to this podcast…I’m a fan. I love her way of ‘thinking’ about things. I think she is considered amongst my friends as an ‘over-thinker’ and I felt so seen.
Movies 🎞️
The Mole Agent
This beautiful film is a Chilean documentary directed by Maite Alberdi. It was phenomenal. Somehow I found myself a familiar feeling steering up in me when it’s about an 83 years old man being hired to ‘spy’ on a certain mission at a nursing home. The man is so sweet and he is a widower himself, and just lost his wife. You can see how he takes everything personal and it feels so close to home toーnot just him but to everyone that loneliness is something we all fight with alone. Beautiful!!!!
TV Shows 📺
There are two shows that I urge you to watch in anyway you can.
Jury Duty
The preview for it now has 6.1M views on Youtube now. It’s about a ‘fake’ trial with actors involved doing Jury Duty, and one guy who was selected for this show doesn’t know about it at all. It’s essentially a prank show ? but maybe because the casting crew and directors did the most phenomenal job in finding the ‘right guy’ for the story, he did not take any bait and just acted as normal as he could and showed the audience and the actors just simply what a nice guy he is.
Colin from Accounts
I watched it on BBC iplayer and
was raving about it so I had to indulge. It did not disappoint. It's an Australian comedy show where a young girl in her 30s ends up being with a guy who is in his 40s because of a weird incident that happens in episode1. In real life, these two are married and actually have a 12 year difference in age! It's so so funny and a good story telling. I do love an Aussie accent sometimes. A TWAT! in Australian accent is fun.
Thank you as always a MILLION! in reading my tiny little newsletter. You guys are really the best. I hope you loved it, and I’ll have some exciting news that I want to share with the reading community soon as well <3 Until then, see you next Wednesday! Bisous x Megumi