When they don't hurt me anymore
This year, I was hurt by a guy, when I thought I was unhurtable. But after him, something has changed.
In the beginning of this year, I was heartbroken. I was heartbroken by someone I thought will never do that to me, but he did anyways, in the most cruel way possible. He made me believe that there was definitely a future together but in the meantime, he was seeing someone else. And I had to hear about it through another guy when I was drinking at a barー I thought we were still casually seeing each other at the time. I was sad, but even more, I was disappointed in myself and felt so much shame. ‘See Megumi, you didn’t listen. Look what we have been telling you’, I hear my friend’s inner voice scorching at me, although they will never do that. I felt ashamed because I thought this would never be possible to happen once againー to have been manipulated by a man and then realize that I was not the first choice, again.
At first, I hated myself more than I hated him. Now I hate myself not for the sake of not being his first choice, but to have been thinking that relationships even work in a way to be someone’s first pick, to be striving for that person’s attention in order to get noticedーit doesn’t work like that. I was in a complete imbalanced power play with him and it wasn’t ok. Someone said ‘I think it’s so true that love comes to you more than you go to love. And allowing the love to wok on you, be with you, and not always thinking that it’s a power thing…’ I have always been …an overachiever with a lot of things. Gaman Zuyoi is another word I’ll describe myself. I’ll do all the work above and beyond because that’s just me. I was trying too hard with this guy and he was playing the hard to get card, nothing was fair game. I was the one always showing up for him and doing shit for him and I’m assuming he didn’t even think twice at the time or remember any of it anymore if I mention it now to him. I did too much for him and it was never with him.
I thank him for realizing my worth.
“I said, we are the best.”
“Patrick said, do you feel like chips, so badly?”
This is a quote from Sorrow and Bliss, a book I’m devouring at the moment. The protagonist Martha is unreliable, but with reasons, and this was said after her and her husband of 3 years jumped into a cold lake together, naked. Martha is far from a romantic, she will never say “I love you” or some sweet cliché things, but she did here. They are far from perfect, individually and as a couple, but they are uniquely trying their best. In the midst of everything, Martha said we are the best. This is a feeling I deeply relate to when I meet men who I genuinely connect with. Contrary to Martha, I’m a romantic. I often show my affection to men in a gooey loving way. I like those sort of things. I connected with someone recently, two men actually, it was either a one night thing or a weekend fling, but I too feel like when I meet someone who I connect with like Connell connected with Marianne in Normal People and visa versa, I feel an intensity of emotions overflowing. I was respected as a person and my body was not disposed to fuck, I felt like “we are the best” in a minimal way, like in way that something good can happen. It was the exact same feeling I had with T.
Between March to April, I met 2 guys through an app, surprise surprise, they were both French. It was after my heartbreak, so I wasn’t on the apps for a minute, but to be honest, I wasn’t even horny for sex, I just wanted to feel a connection with a man my girlfriends can’t give me; if I’m being honest, a feeling of acknowledgment and validation that I am brilliant and worth it.
Let’s call the first guy, Anton. He was so cute, usually not the type I’ll go for. When we met, he came in all black, very chic long jacket and silver jewelry, a true Parisian it seemed. We didn’t chat much on the apps, but we both enjoyed each other’s company a lot. I didn’t feel like I was rushing to go home to have sex with him or rushing to go have another drink alone to get away from him. (Let it be known, both have happened before.) We liked the same music, he was completely impressed by the music I liked because I knew all the current French hip-hop stuff, (sigh) we both enjoy stability and comfort, but he was about to change that and live in Australia for a working holiday, I was simply impressed by how honest and exciting about life he was. We went to another bar, and decided that it was time to head back to my house. I said “unless if you wanted to do or be with someone else” (why do I self deprecate like this when there’s a full real man right in front of me?) He didn’t entertain my shit commentary and he gently put his hand around my waist and said “I’m with someone I want to be with right now so I’m happy with this.”
I would describe him as one of the most gentle and warmhearted person I have ever went on a date with. He didn’t ask for more because he already got me! (kind of kidding but also not. ) But really, he seemed like someone who didn’t ask for much. He didn’t make me feel like he was depriving my body, which I have often felt like when I have one night stands. He just made me feel like I’m capable in being in control of my body and feelings again. I didn’t feel gaslit or I didn’t have to get his approval to like me.
I thank him for making me recognize that sensation of self-control again.
Then I met Louis. I didn’t meet ‘the one’ but it certainly felt like I have accidentally developed a profound emotional relationship with someone over the weekend. If he was still in Japan, I’m sure that we were together. At first, I thought that Louis was a fuckboy, really. His pictures initially made me think that he was that type of guy, but he was far from it. If I learned winning control over my body and emotions again with Anton, I have learned being treated with respect with Louis. We were together for almost 2.5 days the whole time, and if I have the liberty of calling that a relationshipーwell I will. He has went above and beyond for me during these 2 days we were together, and let me tell you what he did for me. It’s actually not that important in what he did for me, but it’s more about how he approached all the things. Everything he has done was to help me but he made it seem like it was also benefiting him in a good way and he didn’t make me feel guilty one second. A feeling I’m best friends withーthe guilt in taking up someone’s time and space.
After the first night we met, we had some beers and a nice dinner and had our first kiss outside the restaurant. He said “I wanted to do that all night actually.” At the time I didn’t realize it, but now when I think about it, we were both acting like teenagers who just discovered what liking someone is like. We went back to my place and had the best sex, gentle and calm, and again, not depriving my body but respecting each others bodies.
I had a big freelance gig that I was in charge to coordinate and I needed to carry a lot of things the next day. I was telling him it’s not a full day job but it’s annoying that I have to go there today, and then he offered to help me. I didn’t imply to him at all that I wanted him to carry the things for me, I was going to take a cab and do it myself, but he said “if you want, I can help you.” It was his last full day in Japan and the weather was beautiful. I felt guilt creeping up on me because I didn’t want to take away his vacation time and have him help me with this stupid hard labor in Toranomon, which is a very businese-y area that won’t be fun for him to hang around. He didn’t seem to mind though, and he said “it will actually be nice because I can spend time with you and I didn’t have any plans anyways.” He left to change his clothes to his hotel and when he came back to my house around noon, he came back with a croissant and a canelé. It’s such a tender feeling when someone thinks of you when you are not with themーmy heart melted in secret.
He ended up helping me a lot with setting up chairs and stuff for the party and he even sticked around to chat with people I didn’t even know. I didn’t have to attend the whole party so I dipped for 2 hours or so and we met up in Hibiya park. Funny how life works, because we stumble upon a food and beer festival going on in the park. We got two beers (yes I was on the clock, but hey ~à la freelance~.) some sausages and sat around a park bench and talked about life. I needed to get back to the party to start cleaning up so I said I’ll head back but I’ll meet him later at the venue and we can head back together for some yakiniku near my house for dinner. Plans were just keep being made naturally one after anotherーthis is what happens when two people want to simply spend time together right? I missed that feeling.
He helped me so much carrying all the boxes for me, and I repeatedly thanked him for what he did for me that day and he kept looking at me with a straight face, “I wasn’t able to explore the places if I wasn’t with you, so it was good for me too. It was a nice day even for me.” We did joke around that who would have thought that on his last day in Japan he would be carrying boxes of chairs and shit for this Japanese girl’s freelance job.
He had to go home that night because he had to check out from his hotel the next day. Our days together was short but intensely meaningful. You think that we’ve known each other for months. I was keep telling him “we didn’t have enough time together.”
The next day, he wanted to have lunch in Shibuya so I said I’ll meet him, so I took him to a tsukemen place that I love. We walked around a very rainy Shibuya, went into that sex shop in Shibuya because I’ve never been, had a coffee, I acted like a foreigner in my own city and it was so much fun. He had to catch a train to the airport and we said goodbye at the platform. We kissed goodbye at the platform, everyone watching and went to this opposite sides. If I say everything was like a movie, it sounds like a cliché, but we were oneーat the end of the day, we were acting like teenagers who couldn’t get our hands off of each other.
We actually still keep in touch and talk on and off, and who knows where this will go, but I heard that if you are in a relationship, you often times need to put the other person before you and he did just that the whole timeーeven better, he didn’t make it feel like it was a chore. He genuinely made me the priority at least with the 2 days we were together, and as someone who always chases the men for approval and validation, it was a completely new thing for me to realize that I was worth being prioritized from anything else.
I thank him for teaching me what treating someone with respect is like.
I thank everything that happened to me in the past, the good and the bad. Without the past, without the men, the good ones the bad ones, I wouldn’t have a story to tell and I wouldn’t be the brilliant, smart, overly educated, but also sometimes irresponsible and talk too much and can’t put others in front of my own needs, but hey I can’t be all that perfect. I “respect the process” ーthe process of learning from successful interpersonal relationships and the ones that didn’t end up well. (If you are a Succession fan, you get it. The rest of you, get a life.)
Cultural recommendations for the week 💌
Reads📗
Why won’t people just let me not be a mom?
We know each other right down to the very smallest detail. We got sick of each other, but the involuntary separation became our key to rapprochement. During the most challenging year of our lives, not only have we survived, but so has our relationship, having gone through an arc of changes, from a fading marriage to two lonely people who possibly make a good couple.
This Instagram caption about love I quoted above.
Foreign mothers, foreign tongues: ‘In another universe, she could have been my friend’
A new Substack rec!!!!!
has a beautiful cooking? QA lifestyle ish newsletter. This one is filled with delicious dish ware recommendations, I highly recommend to have a look if you are out on a hunt.The Dangers Of Making Yourself The "Chronically Single" Friend
If I can tell you how much I related to this….
When you’re single, it feels like there’s an onus to claim that as a key component of your personality. If you are self-aware enough about this perceived “flaw,” then your friends won’t look deeper, ask questions you don’t want to answer, or start speculating about your shortcomings.
Podcast 🎤
Shonda Rimes on Armchair expert
After listening to this, I’m very keen in watching the new show she created Queen Charlotte.
Movie 🎞️
AIR
I missed these kind of birth story of products and brands that are a true American dream story. It was pretty good and my god, must I say…Viola Davis… I won’t give it away, but as someone who is working in production a little bit, there’s a little trick they use intentionally in the film throughout. It’s a big decision but also makes sense with the delivery decision. I hope you know what I mean.
Just a little something extra x
I want this crop top by KOTN but doesn’t ship to Japan, great! Completely into this lemon drop dress! with some jeans too? um, oui please! I’m thinking of getting this book by Katy Hessel
for a friend’s birthday present. It seems like a beautiful coffee table book as well. (Her substack is full of knowledge and brilliant content!)I hope you enjoyed this week’s edition :) I was in Kyoto last week for a work trip + a fun getaway with a friend, so will might do some eating recs for you later on. Kyoto is so fab every time I go. Thanks for reading as always x Bisou- Megumi x