August & August men
August slipped away! and I am here by to declare that there was something in the air with August men.
This post was initially supposed to be about my thoughts on rejection. But since I already wrote about my thoughts on being alone last week, and I’m still processing how not to take things personally (*more on this later!), I changed up my post to a more general sense of how August was, sort of a recap if you may, and how August was…well filled with effervescence if I may. Please have august playing in the background as you read this issue - <3
August was mostly for fun, but I was also more than usual, tiptoeing with emotionally unavailable men. I call them here the August men. In August, I went to a Loyle Carner concert, partied with some Italians in Tokyo (*will tell you more about this later), had someone cancel a date(*more on this later), baked a chocolate cake and ate the whole thing, had lots of dinner dates with friends, went to go see Barbie, went to an exhibition alone, had a friend visit us and went out with girl friends a lot, went to a beach party for a day, drank almost every single damn day, went to a two day music festival, went to Fukuoka for work, went to a bon-odori matsuri, did karaoke - and had men in between who basically just released their frustrations they have towards me whenever they wanted and however they wanted.
I feel like in the scope of looking back on August, it was like I was having too much fun so someone had to put me in line. I seem to always can’t have it all. I guess that will also take the fun out of everything if everything is just fun, but in between these lovely times, I was rejected by a guy I was in a situationship with, (I know, ouch.) and I had him, yes him!! text me out of the blue. As I slightly sob while I’m on the phone with my best friend telling her what is my life and why shit like this keeps happening to me, she says in a rather calm and serious tone, “It’s just not fair that this keeps happening to you Meg…” August was a time for me to reflect on men in my life and how I am treated by them - the good, the bad and the whatever bunches in between.
It isn’t fair that I keep having men in my life, past and present, who think that they can say anything to me and they think they can get away with it. I have a tendency of being “too nice” to men because I’m fearful of being disliked by men in general. I’m always trying to test my femininity with men, and men’s approval means everything to me. As someone who has been rejected and tossed around many times by them, I was desperate to seek their attention and hold onto them religiously. As a result of being a chronic people pleaser, I end up being overly nice to men when I don’t have to. Men in general are a good taker you know, they take whatever they can for free, and leave it as that. Some men just don’t know what kind of emotional labor went towards that kindness or decision making, some men are just incapable to understand it. When a woman gives them something for free, their ego is stroked - they think they are the king.
After turning 30, I see people around me in comfortable and secure relationships and I keep finding myself in a toxic one where men seem to have more power over me in terms of decision making and how a relationship progresses, I often times left powerless. To ensure my power, or perhaps reclaim my womanhood back, I decided over this year or so that I’m not going to allow them to have the last word in anymore. I truly had enough. A shortcut to solve this issue I have with men when they walk over me was that, not to have them have the last word seemed like a good way to start. I’ve become an argumentative person. In a good way, I have lost my temper with men. I don’t care if they think I lost it or that I’m the girl they didn’t think I was ; too nice, too clueless and too apologetic.
I have this unruly feminist urge to not let them win anymore on anything, or at least not let them have the last word. Whether it’s not even about winning or not, as an observation for myself, I did feel like I needed to express more of my feelings to men, because well, they can’t read my mind as much as I can’t read theirs. The situation always seemed like they were allowed to express anything in front of me, and I had the emotional capacity to receive it, but when the roles are reversed, it never seemed that way. I never felt listened to or being taken care of with the August men. I then started to think that I wonder if I’m asking for too much from them, or am I too emotional for their taste? or something ridiculous like that. It’s not about winning of course, but I started to realize that I needed to refrain from being too much to these men. When they were too intolerable to even have a conversation with, I just let them speak. I disengaged - and we all know that that isn’t a great start of anything. Friendship or a relationship, really.
I always thought silence was the moral high ground for many things. But now, after so many…so many really, men walking all over me because I give (gave) them the authority to do so, I have said to myself, “I had enough!” I will probably lose them by standing my ground and being the strong feminist I want to be but frankly, losing them is easier than losing my sanity. I’ve learned this the hard way in 2020-2021.
August men seem to like to yell at me? Well, yelling is a bit over exaggerated but they think they can say anything to me probably because I’m perceived as this girl to them, this girl who is hopeless and needs saving. The men who treat me with kindness and care, and as equal are the ones who I shared my vulnerabilities with and they accepted it as it is. We spoke the same language and they will never chastise me for it. They share what they are afraid of or they tell me what they think are their weaknesses with me - I find that the most strong aspects of them.
*
They say, “Megumi, I don’t understand your reactions sometimes.” or “Don’t take it personally <3” just to kind of fuck with me. (These are actually things August men told me.) They have no empathy for how the other person might feel if they say something, so they just say it. You have a lot of care for them so it really fucking hurts when they just don’t terminally get you. When they don’t understand your reactions to things, it’s like why did we have to be born in a different universe? Or, when you just don’t even care about them so much and they say stuff so random just to win over an argument with you they say, “I don’t want you to use me for paying for dinner.” He knows that I never used him for money, but he just had to have the last word in - to win a stupid argument because things didn’t go the way he wanted it to with me. It was like seeing a boy losing control at a playground, because someone else took his toy. It’s like an illness I’ll never understand because I don’t have it, and it’s the same for them as well. They think I’m a monster and I think they are hopeless. We don’t live in the same universe, and it seems like we will never be able to speak the same language - literally and figuratively, and it’s in fact hurtful but it’s also relieving to know that it’s ok to just leave it as that. It’s not my job to fix them, they are not meant to be fixed but they are just there to be left alone. If you can coexist with them, voi-fucking-là, congratulations.
*
There’s this thing I say often to myself from my late 20s. I don’t know who started saying it but I love it.
自分の機嫌は自分で取る
It basically means, “Treat yourself!” You are the only one who can make yourself happy, is what it means. You know yourself best so go do, eat or drink something that will make you squirm with happiness. Ever since I was a child, probably like seven years old, I loved talking to myself. My mom was always like, “Who are you talking to?” I don’t know what it is, but my imagination has always been in the clouds somewhere. I also laugh a lot on my own as well, and then recently I just took out my old Chanel lipstick, and started to write on my mirror - thinking I’m like an old Hollywood actress or something. I loled so hard afterwards because I’m like first of all, I never call these men, I just text. Why did I choose the word call? But most importantly, I probably will never text them back even when they stop being assholes - because hey, I have this new thing going on for myself called boundaries. I want to speak the same language with people from the same universe as me - not some Mars language I won’t be able to understand. Go do that with someone else, respectfully.
Reads
・Zadie Smith is everywhere!! “I Really Want To Write The Books I Want To Write Before I Die”: Zadie Smith Is Back With An Epic And Emotional New Novel
“I have this really strong urge to speak clearly,” she replies. “Unimpededly. Unsponsored. And free. I just think that’s my job.”
・This review on the movie Tar by Smith was also riveting. The Instrumentalist.
・I know
has the best newsletter and we all know it by now, but I somehow found myself reading this rec issue and I just love me some “What to buy next list.” After reading this, these Agolde denim is on my list. I didn’t know this section of The Strategist on What I can’t live without, and I love it very much.・Pet loss from
Podcasts
Then I listened to some BBC radio with Zadie Smith on Free thinking.
This episode with the CEO of Airbnb was pretty interesting. I normally don’t like tech guys talking lol and he did kind of give that, um maybe not for me, but in the end, it was good listen.
Tunes
I’ve been religiously listening to this Japanese version of Godspeed by James Blake. Eminata is a singer based in Tokyo and I think a lot of my friends are friends with her, but my god…she’s a dream. I’ve been racking up her Youtube views.
Also, loved this when I heard it live at summer sonic.
TV
I want to do a deep dive on this but about a month ago, there was a DEPP V. HEARD docu series released on Netflix and I watched it finally. I’ll probably do a deep dive this Sunday in leu of my #juststuff edition, but I mean honestly? I wonder what was the point of this documentary. It only amplified how misogynistic the media and the country was towards Heard and domestic abuse victims and it if was to showcase how social media took a lot of part in the trail, well it did a good job, but fuck :( I hate HIM so much. A good watch either way, but also please don’t come at me in the comments taking HIS side. I’m so done.
Thank you for reading this week’s love or not to love :) I appreciate you as always, and you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis or Twitter dolcemegs for some more fun and yum content. Bisous x Megumi