we've come too far for that shit
3 stuff from this week and thoughts on the movie/essay Cat Person
I’m changing the style of my newsletter! Since I’m doing a once a week thing here and haven’t been updating on the #juststuff edition anymore at the end of the month, I’m just going to do a weekly round up of 3 things on the top; food, readings or whatever that I’ve done in the week. I do want to have a place to share more content related stuff so I might just do that separately somewhere!
3 stuff this week ;
Molly Baz’s cook book, cook this book has been on my radar for a while and after going to the states and being able to browse through it, I was convinced that I need it. I followed her on Instagram recently and saw this homemade cereal, “Salty honey smack” and quickly made it this morning and oh my, it was great. (It took only 30 minutes or less to make which was great too.)
Breakfast cookies seems like a very fall coded thing. While Japan is far from being fall (literally as I write this, I’m blasting my ac and it’s 33 C lol ) - but after seeing these breakfast cookie recipe on
, I had to make them. (also most of the ingredients were already in my pantry)wall paper ideas! I’m not going to move - but I’m going to renovate the shit out of my house. I’m taking out my old shelfs, mirrors, my legendary big bed out of my house! and making a little working space. So! I would love to make my working space/bedroom a nice place and looking for some ideas; wall paper seems like a very quick and easy way to give an elevated look to my whole place.
interview of her house has always been an inspo. Any ideas on wall paper, design, or color?
It was in 2022, the year I quit my company and I just came back from Europe. I texted back this guy I hooked up with earlier that year or even the year before - details of timeline really don't matter so much with these types of men. He wanted to meet up for a drink, which just meant to have sex and I agreed. I shouldn’t have, but I did.
This is no criticism of him, but honestly, he barely spoke English. We never had a great conversation, only relatively good sex? (Sex feels like a detail that I can’t be bothered to remember anymore either.) There were either two or three times we met up - and each encounter was a strange one. Every time we met up, I wanted to back out. I liked the idea of hanging out with someone, but I certainly did not like him at all.
When we started our relationship that was purely physical, I … unfortunately became clingy. Blame it all on my womanly hormones I guess. After texting him, asking if he would like to hang out the following weekend as well, he responded “I don’t think it’s a good idea to see each other often. As I said, I’m looking for something casual.” In the Bumble world, this sort of temperature check, status check, straight to the point exchange is not rare. I didn’t ask him out because I liked him. On the contrary, I actually was really annoyed at myself when we met up in public: Why am I meeting with him again? Maybe going on the apps again and doing the whole thing felt so cumbersome that I just couldn’t be bothered to do so.
Upon our first hook up, we were chatting about our relationships and he mentioned in passing while putting his pants back on that he was sort of on and off with this girlfriend of his. I squinted and probably asked him something like “Are you with her now?” and he said “Not now, but yeah, I don’t know” while smirking. It was after we had sex, and at that time I was ashamed of myself that I slept with a man who didn’t know if he was in a relationship or not. How dumb can he be? How stupid can I be? Where are my morals? Sadly, this sort of mischievous behavior from men wasn’t my first rodeo to encounter. I washed off his scum right after he left my house and cried in bed watching Veep.
I ignored his relentless texts he sent me over the months. Thought we are casual? I guess when some guy, even when that guy is scum, the unread messages I kept receiving from him felt like he was pining for my presence. The desperation felt good. I made the ultimate mistake and responded back to him. That was in 2022 after my trip from Europe and agreed to meet up with him. After ignoring his messages, it felt like I was back in control, I had agency over what can happen next - I felt a little bitchy and it felt ok.
Immediately after we met up at the bar, I didn’t like it. I wanted to call off the whole thing. I didn’t like how he dressed, I didn’t like how shallow our conversations were, I didn’t like that his questions were boring - I just didn’t like him at all. Even thinking back at this time, I really don’t know why I kept on seeing him. It wasn’t like I was trapped by this relationship but I just felt like it was easier to just…go with it than just saying “Actually, I’m getting tired. I think I’m heading home tonight.”
By the time we got to my apartment, it was too late. I didn’t want to sleep with him. Nothing felt right. It wasn’t me. I did want to have sex but not with him. It didn’t feel right that he was in my apartment again. I wanted it to be done, to get it over with. I didn’t want to take off my clothes. I distinctly remember I wasn't even fully naked. Once we were done, while he was putting his clothes back on - a familiar scene I thought - I asked him a bitchy question. Are you dating someone right now? He answered with a smirk and said, “You know…” As if I would know. I nodded and disappointedly laughed at myself and him. We haven't spoken since.
*
I didn't know that the viral short story Cat Person written by Kristen Roupenian in 2017 became a movie. (You can watch it on Netflix) #Metoo happened in 2016, and Cat Person was a story many women related to, including myself. It was fiction but still the topics that it covered were poignant in modern day dating life for many single women. It was about the complexities of consent, young women in vulnerable situations, the right to say no, and the power of changing your mind. After watching the movie, I went back to read the essay again because it all just felt too familiar. Not just with this guy, but I’ve been in situations, multiple of them, when I felt like I couldn’t back out now. When I really think about the why - why did I feel like I can’t back out, it was guilt. I was assailed by guilt at that time because I was also in on the whole thing - at least that’s how I was presenting myself. How else would the man know I wasn't into it anymore unless I said something, right?
I could have made any excuse. I don’t owe this man anything. The questions Cat Person presents and any women (or men in some cases) who might have encountered similar situations in the past is a simple but perplexing one:Why wasn’t I able to say no? Why did it feel difficult to change my mind? The short answer to this question is just like what Margaux said as well and my thinking exactly : It's just easier to say nothing. I do feel compelled to mention the physical danger women1 have to prepare themselves once we say no to men, especially if that no is emasculating to them. In 2007, a woman in Spain was killed by her partner after she said no to his grand proposal on national television. The man got angry and stabbed the woman by her neck. Or the countless of women who were raped2 when they said a straight forward no. Women who say no shouldn’t be considered brave. No shouldn’t be a political statement but it does feel like it takes a lot of grit or even risks on our end to say that word.
While there are things we unfortunately can’t avoid (like murder or rape) there’s actually a simple way out for us to not do the things we don’t want to anymore. It’s simply to just say I’ve changed my mind. I always feel terrible changing my mind after I told the barista I wanted a regular hot coffee but now I want a cappuccino. Or ordering a filet-O-fish at Mcdonald’s but wanting a double cheeseburger. If anything, I would probably never correct myself and just say nothing. But here’s the thing, aside from potentially annoying someone at their job because you couldn’t make up your mind, the workers will fortunately get over it and they won’t track you down (hopefully!). The mental, physical and psychological well-being is far less impactful when ordering a wrong coffee or a burger than having sex with someone you don’t want to. What we need to keep in mind, what I need to constantly remind myself is that life is unexpected. Life is volatile. Life is weird and tricky and it’s never an easy straight line. Trust me, it’s not easy to have those uncomfortable conversations, I wasn’t able to either, but it’s necessary for you, for us, and for all of us wanting more, wanting better, wanting the best for ourselves. It fucking sucks that the repercussions for women is far dire when saying no, but I’ve personally come too far - and so have you - to do stuff for a man that you don’t even want to do. We’ve come a little too far for that, don’t you think?
See you in a bit x
Not just women, but I can see how men can get into these sort of situations too. There are enough Netflix documentaries and podcasts to prove to us that women also are a threat too. But it’s just not even close when we are talking about the physical dangers women have to go through compared to men.
There’s been a lot of sad sad sad shitty rape cases recently. a 31 year old doctor in India getting raped and killed, Gisèle Pélicot who was raped by 80 men - all conducted by her husband for a course of a decade. Fuck all of them.