What does community mean to you?
oh what a blessing it is to find your people at whatever stage in life
I recently attended an event that my friend’s company hosted with Cafe MiaMia titled ‘how to build and foster authentic communities’. I took away a couple of things and was very inspired by the whole message and thought, I want to know what other people feel about joining a community and being apart of it as well. I was very adamant this year in finding my people. I had a crisis at work towards the end of last year, and I never felt more alone in my life. I forgot what appreciation means when I already have an abundance of joyful friends. I couldn’t see what I already had, and I was keep searching for what I didn’t have. I found that in life, most of us experience two types of communities; One is mandatory community and the second is building your own community. Let me explain what this means to me and how I found it difficult in the mandatory social groups I found myself in as oppose to putting myself out there and jumping into places alone and socializing.
A mandatory community in my opinion is institutional spaces we put ourselves in. As young adults, we find friends we think we can get along with in school mostly. We are put into the same space, same room, same school, same uniform and the same ideology of going to the same place everyday. The school itself is your identity and within that, you try to find your people. It’s a limited space where you can find your people. Like many other private schools in Tokyo, we were not allowed to do any part time jobs. We only had a life in our school and at home. It is also very important to note that in Japan, not many people leave the city or country to go to college. We all stay put, especially if you are from Tokyo. There is never this sense of ‘distance’ is going to ruin our friendship like other western countries experiences with their friends. Then University happens. This is when you find a completely different perspective of finding your people. You are still in the same institutional space like high school, but in university, people come from all over and they have different stories. You also are getting older and you are now allowed to have jobs and seek opportunities outside of your class room. The first time I started meeting new people outside of this institution is when I got a job at American Eagle at age 20. That was my first part time job. Till this day, it has been 10 years, but I have many instagram connections with a lot of them still. It blew my underdeveloped young adult mind at the time why these people are working at American Eagle. My privilege was showing at the time but I was only working there because I wanted to meet new people, not because I needed the money or I was aiming for something. I met a guy who was already in his late 20s, early 30s, because his dream was to become a singer and he needed the money. (He is now a successful singer/talent in Japan.) I met a girl who was the same age as me, but didn’t go to college because her dream was to become an influencer and a singer/song writer. (She is now a very famous person that does both.) I also met someone who was openly gay for the first time, and oh what a delight was he. (He now lives in NewYork living his dream.) My palette of friendship has expanded when I had that job, but at the same time, I knew that I wasn’t fully apart of these people, apart of this community. They knew what they wanted and they were working towards it, I didn’t. It was a stimulating experience of course but it all just felt temporary.
I did meet my 2 best friends in university and they are my people till this day. I have to say, how lucky I am that I have two people in my life that knows me from a young age and they are still in my community. One in particular, is really my rock and a life partner that I can imagine myself growing old together. She helps me with all my emotions and support me when I need it. To be able to have female friendships that I can lean on to for over a decade now, I am truly lucky and blessed for that.
Then, we must all become adults, sadly. We started working at companies, and from this moment at around age 23, I will say I found it became more and more difficult to find my people. I was relying on the institution I put myself in and told myself, “I’m here now, surely I’ll find someone I can get along with”. Relaying, is the keyword. In my early 20s, I was relaying on people around me to tell me who I am, instead of finding that myself. It worked because when you’re young, the pace is fast. It goes by quick. You get sucked up in the party life and social life that you think this is it, this can be my life for now. The first company I ever worked for, granted, it was very much a Japanese sales hustle culture, but I was fortunate enough to find that the coworkers I had at the time were really cool. I found a female mentor, I saw many women who I found very inspiring, I was encouraged professionally but also we went out drinking on weekends as well when we could. Although, it was ‘work’ at the end of the day and I still felt very confused of who I was.
As I approach age 26, my surroundings started to change a bit. My friendship dynamic has mostly been Japanese up until then, but from around 25, I started to hang out with friends who are foreigners who live in Japan. Naturally what happens is, you find that people who come from different countries have interesting stories to tell and I somehow started to feel this innate sense of “wow, I’m Japanese and never lived abroad but somehow, I relate to these people”. To make it sound more cliché, it was a lightbulb moment of, I thought I was comfortable enough in where I am but actually, I just never explored the idea of seeking communities outside of the work space. As insane this sounds, even as a millennial who was trying to preach the idea of ‘work life balance’, I didn’t think I had a life outside of work. I wasn’t actually preaching it. I took a 10day vacation once a year, and that was that. I was constantly working and didn’t think of seeking to meet new people outside of my comfort zone.
At 28, I switched to a different job and I think my life started to drastically change from here on. Two things happened. One, I hated my job. I didn’t find the people I was working with ‘my people’. I didn’t feel that same sense of doing something together like I did at the first company. It was an odd feeling, because my intentions of switching jobs at the time to a ‘foreign company’ was exactly the reason for me to find likeminded people. Now that I have quit my job, I can say that I don’t think that company was what I was looking for. I found myself completely lost. I think I set myself up at this second company that great things will happen and sometimes, life just doesn’t work like that. But the second thing that happened the next year, was the best decision I made for myself in a while.
I started working at a French restaurant I was a customer at, and I started meeting so many new people. People that I will pass by on the streets will say ‘oh hey’ or I will go out for dinner and they will know me so we will exchange pleasantries. I started to make new friends at age 29. Who knew that working at a part-time job that literally was only paying me 1000 yen an hour, while having my full time job, will actually give me the fullest life experience I was longing for, which was finding my community of people who share the same interests of culture, food and wine. The ultimate interpersonal relationship I was looking for with mature adults.
It was so sweet and homely that I found so many new friends around me who I didn’t have to talk about work or clients all the time. It was life. It was my version of life. I know we all have different versions of life, versions of love, and versions of relationships. For me, my ultimate way of living was to find people who had passions and a curiosity of what they are doing. The reason why the restaurant industry in particular has a special place in my heart is because it delivers the most intimate and personal space with people. Some of the most exciting, sexy, juicy and fun conversations I had were at these restaurants. Maybe it’s the wine, but I honestly believe it’s the people. I’m a sucker for stories and people who have a past and an exciting life has the best stories to share. (what can I say, the highlights of getting drunk until 1am on a summer night is also a divine feeling as well)
I do think it’s mature but a natural feeling of wanting to find your community when you get older. I admire and sometimes even envy people who know each other since they were kids. But living in a country where that kind of isn’t the case, I was always longing to latch on to someone or somewhere. I think Substack is a great example as well. People find what they like here and follow the authors and create a community of people who have similar interests. As adults, we become more self-aware of what we are into and not into. We know what we like and what we don’t. This is also why I think our group of friends become smaller and smaller because we become selective, in a good way. In my early 20s, I was a person who valued quantity of friends over quality. I feared having lesser friends on facebook than my other friends. Now, all I want is a small circle of friends who understands me with a side of community that I can go back to anytime. Next year, I’m not going to do one of those goals of “I want to make X amount of friends” but I want to challenge myself to immerse myself in new things, new people and new industries. I quit my job and I’m challenging myself in doing new things as a freelancer.
Let’s hope that in 2023, there will be more exciting new stories from new people because human relationships is all we have.
💌Cultural recommendations of the week? month? whatever it is! 💌
Books📗
Weird Fucks By Lynee Tillman
I went into this beautiful bookshop in Paris called After8, and this cool girl there recommended me this book. She said it’s just about this girl searching meaning with men while having weird sex, and I was like SOLD. You know the word timeless? It means unaffected by time. Truly this book represents that. Apparently it was first published in 1988 but yet at least for me, I had such similar experiences with men where I had odd sex experiences or felt disrespected, ghosted or treated badly, it happens to all of us in truly any era it seems. It was such a quick afternoon read.
推し、燃ゆ 宇佐美りん
すんごい今時のZ世代の子たちの生き方という感じで学ぶものが多かった。人によって生き方は様々ある。答えはないっていうふうに私は見たけど、大多数が企業で働くことを正、みたいな生き方にしちゃってると、「周りが自分なり」の生き方受け入れるのはやっぱり難しいんだな〜世の中って悲しいな〜って思っちゃったな。
同志少女よ敵を撃て 逢坂冬馬
Articles 📝
-What you learn from eating alone
-How fat feels by fat hell Amanda Kate
-Why word count matters by Agents and books Kate Mckean
I’ve been enjoying this substack by Kate Mckean Agent and books. It’s all things publishing and I do enjoy the BTS of the publishing world.
-#123: On cosmetic procedures and the limits of "destigmatization”
-Vampire Skin, Karl Marx, & EmRata
Like if we can't stop perpetuating oppressive beauty standards via cosmetic treatments, can we at least stop perpetuating the idea that they're feminist?
This is such a good read about the recent Emrata podcast episode of “Can You Be A Feminist and Get Plastic Surgery?”. (Her answer is of course, yes hontyyyy) I have to say, I think hate this podcast now officially. lol In the beginning I was like, I love the guests she brings on, but then I’m like the tone deafness of her episodes is pretty cringe.
TV Show 📺
Searching Italy with Stanley Tucci
Can I just say… I thought France will steal my heart forever but Italy has actually done a good number on me this time and Stanley Tucci and this show is SO GOOD. It’s a CNN original show but I use VPN and watch it on BBC iplayer. It is FANTASTIC it makes me want to do Italy all over again.
Ramy Season3
Mo
Honestly, if you need a good cultural but funny, and frankly HOT casting watch this show. It is beautiful. I really am not a huge Netflix content fan these day, but it’s pretty good.
Industry Season2
Without fail, it was fantastic. God, I think this year’s TV show ranking, this show is easily in my top3.
I’m going to end the newsletter here today, because I’ve been slacking a bit! There is going to be another #juststuff letter coming out this week again as well. The holiday season is coming up, and since I can’t be spending so much money on shit, let me tell you some present ideas or gifts to yourself this holiday!
Thank you for reading as always . Megumi xoxo