When we can't prepare for everything
Lots of feelings and I hope that everyone is safe and cozy.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going, No feeling is final.
by Rainer Maria Rilke.
It’s a new year and people are making resolutions, intentions or to-do lists and mine are sort of all of the above. My list goes on like, “Go to the gynecologist.” (Check! reserved the first day they are back in business), “Go to a dentist bitch, you haven’t been in ages, it’s disgusting.” (Checked! On a fucking roll here), make an advent calendar that inspires me to do creative and interesting things to do everyday, (3rd day, so far so good!), and make a “Do less, Do more” list of things. On the internet, I’ve been seeing what's ‘In’ and what’s ‘Out’ and everyone’s lists are inspirational while also repetitive. We seem to have the same issues, like “Don’t doom-scroll” “less screen time” “No negative self-talk” “Check in with my friends” “Don’t take things for granted” and all that jazz.
We live in a world where everything is accessible, at least to the majority of us and to people probably who are reading this at the moment. If you live in a structured modern society, have a full-time or a self-sufficient job where you can pay your bills and occasionally travel and buy some Made in USA New Balances, I’m sure we live just fine. But yet, we have the same common difficulties to engage with our community or to look outwards from our screens. I find it challenging as well to quit things or stop the habit of things that I’ve been so accustomed to. I even wrote about it once here. I guess we are all stuck in the mundane stuff in life, the ordinary, the simple stuff ー perhaps it gives us comfort. The daily routine of things in life just makes us snuggle through life, even when that is doom-scrolling or negative self-talk.
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Japan started off on a bad note. While Rainer Maria Rilke’s quote sticks to me these past couple of days, I’ve been feeling a lot, overwhelmed to some extent. I was struck, just like the rest of us, that the mundane life can be flipped upside down without notice. Nature has no mercy, because it can happen even on the first day of the year. The Hokuriku region of Japan was hit by an earthquake, specifically Ishikawa prefecture has been effected the most. There are about 62 deaths counts as of today. We also had a major tsunami alert that scared the nation since post 311.
The news was broadcasted around 4:30pm on new years day and I was at a hot spring with my family. As I normally do, I entered my first round of sauna and was ready to juice out my entire body before a feast, not to mention, an ice cold beer after a sauna is one of the reasons why I won’t quit drinking just yet. The sauna was like a U shape, and right next to the entrance door, there’s a TV inside. It’s typical for a Japanese sauna to have a television inside so people won’t get too bored wallowing in their thoughts while stripped naked.
Because it’s shaped like a U room, once you enter the room everyone is watching you. I thought people were nosy and didn’t have much to do, as we all know, a sauna is a place of silence and thoughts, but I found it a little imposing that everyone was watching once I entered. Soon, I realized that there was a TV right next to the entrance and that’s why everyone was looking straight ahead, “Ah I see” I was relieved a little, thinking that I may have broken a rule or something. At first, I wanted to feel my sweat. I wanted to stretch the aches and pains of my muscles and not look at the TV so I was looking downwards. 5 minutes in, I raised my head and saw my sweat bursting, I love to touch my whole body with the silky sweat dripping down all my crevices, it feels like my body is functioning. I look up at the TV and realize in red bold letters, it said, 緊急！(Emergency!) but it took me a while to register. Probably because of the heat but after a couple more minutes it finally dawned on me that things were not looking great. The tension in the sauna room, naked ladies enticed by the news in unison was equally a scene to watch.
The way I consume my news these days is passive when I’m alone. I would have to go on my laptop and search the news or go on social media to see what’s happening. But since it was new years, I was at my parents house where the TV is constantly on. I was force fed the news for 3 days and I saw things that were too heartbreaking. I guess as a journalist, you have to ask questions to people in real time about what they are going through…but to what extent do you have to interview them when they just lost two daughters that were smashed under their own house? I would never understand the work ethics of that. The circumstance in which the earthquake happened could not have been more malicious. It was new years so people were coming back to their hometown from the city. The kids were back at their house they grew up in. And half a day in, the parents are left alone after the earthquake took away their daughters visiting them.
Natural disasters are unfair because you can’t predict them and you would never know the impact. Japan is notoriously prepared for natural disasters and earthquakes especially, but I realize that none of us can ever be prepared for grief and loss. We can prepare for an emergency bag and a helmet of course, but we can never prepare for what will happen at the end. There’s a proverb in Japanese, 備えあれば憂いなし(Sonae are ba, urei nashi) that literally means if you do prepare, there would be no grief. Maybe when you over prepare to go camping or study enough for a test, this proverb is fitting ー but whenever a natural disaster happens, I feel like it fails us. As Japanese, we do our best to be prepared for earthquakes and much more but no one would ever think it will happen that day or even ever for that matter.
I’m always reminded “For That One Moment” essay by Mieko Kawakami when I think about a sudden moment we can’t bring back. In it, she says “The end doesn’t always show up wearing the face of the end. Sometimes you realize what it was only after everything is over.” （終わりは、いつだって終わりの顔をしてわたしたちを訪ねるようなことはしない。すべてが過ぎ去ってから、あれが最後だったと気づくだけだ。）How could I have known that 2004 was my last trip to see my Gramma? How could I have known that Paris was the last time I would see T? How could I have known that the man I slept with would hurt me? ー I couldn’t have until I saw the ending for myself. What would I do now knowing that the ending would just show up without notice? How should I look for cues? or should I not and let nature takes its course of things. It’s a scary thing to not know, but there’s also a cosmic relief in that as well. It probably allows us to be as present as we can and keep moving forward with the community and people we have around us. Honestly, that’s probably all I can do for now.
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter, I do a whole section dedicated for it once every month called #juststuff where you can read all the archive here. Enjoy.
*I’ll have a whole round up of stuff at the end of the month because I’ve been watching a lot of movies!!
Read
-Been studying? the tone for Modern Love essays because I’m writing one now. This one was very heart squishy ‘No Love Is Ever Wasted’
-This one on disinheritance is fascinating.
-Not a paying subscriber yet, but
seems like a fun rec/ fashion edit Substack that I can get into. Like as someone who’s been thinking about what kind of wedding dress I’m going to wear since 7, this advice about try on the dress with the shoes, was pretty solid, it would have perhaps escaped me! (Also, this makes me sound like I’m getting married, but do not fret, I am not.)-This was a brilliant piece by
during holiday season because it’s frankly the only time I clean up my closet and reassess.-I’m sort of attending the writing work shop hosted by
and it is so far, pretty freaking inspirational. I had no idea that she lived in Japan for a fair amount of time and appeared on TV as well. I wonder if anyone knows her… The first week was about Haiku! I think I wrote a haiku when I was in school years back, but this piece on all things haiku and what it can bring to life, was very aspirational. Go see her Substack-This run-down motel turning into a sanctuary by a Korean women in her 70s, giving her purpose is really somethin.
-Will definitely talk about it more later on, but this Substack already a 2024 obsession!
is so so educating for those who want to snuggle up with some tarots this year!-Very very yum delish essay by
, 7 Things I (Almost) Learned Last YearListen
I just really thought I won’t be into this, but damn I was wrong. It’s Amy Poehler, damn it! Of course it’s funny. A moc pod? of the rise in Therapy talk? She brings on other comedian guests to improvise on all topics to “Work towards things” hahahaha
Watch
-I’ve been pretty obsessed with Variety’s Actors on Actors and Natalie Portman is normie but not. She is so human and nice, which you don’t expect from a top grade Hollywood actor. When she was like, “I’ve been working longer than you’ve been alive man…” was perfect. Paul Mescal, forever daddy, eat me.
-Emily Blunt & Anne Hathaway is also a good watch as well - I ended up re-watching The Devil Wears Prada during NYE. I wonder how many people did that!
-I’ll recommend more movies later on, but one TV show very quickly. It’s on BBC iplayer, Nightly Night. It was aired in 2004 (!!!) Julia Davis is fucking crazy lol This YouTube clip should be enough for you to watch it.
Other bits
So! Did I keep buying stuff? Sure I did! Here’s an espresso machine from Breville (An Australian brand!!) that I bought, I’m so fucking pumped to get it - can’t wait to make all the coffees at home now. I made these Peanut Butter Blossoms (can we just call them kisses?) recommend by
I made a bowl of chocolate pudding by (I mean there really isn’t a day I’m not making anything that’s not Roman.) Did I finally snatched some Mary Jane’s by Vibi Venezia? hell yea. (Also can we fucking get shoe sizes correct??? Like in Japan, I’m 26cm. For IT/EU size, I’m 40. BUT some websites get it confused and they will say EU/IT 40 will be 27cm, then I get fucking confused! The correct way of doing this is, if the shoe brand is foreign, and is in Italian sizing, always choose the EU/IT sizing.) So I actually had my parents go into this book shop called Ensemble in Marseille sort of randomly because I knew they would have the Sam Youkilis art book, and they bought me a very cute tote bag from here AND! very randomly, this book shop was exactly the place the art book was published! A complete coincidence :)Thank you for reading this week’s love or not to love :) I appreciate you as always, and you can follow me on Instagram megsgumis for some more fun and yum content. As always Bisous x Megumi
Love this and so happy and honored to hear that you're enjoying Incandescent Tarot! <3