Here's a Japanese word for you
on tekito and the power of staying in that character. Also some readings, recipes, and a podcast too.
There’s this word that curses women in Japan - maybe even everyone. It restricts us to be a certain way, to behave in a way that overtime becomes tiresome. I feel like if you use this word to someone you know, a friend or a coworker, it will feel shocking even to receive. You definitely don’t want to be described as this word at work ; you will be seen as unprofessional and you don’t take your job seriously. Having a messy house, not measuring your ingredients when cooking (even a tablespoon of olive oil), having a chipped nail polish, walking out of the house without makeup or in your pajamas, walking outside with wet hair after a morning shower, spreading out your luggage or bags in a public space, not washing your vegetables, not thinking of the placement of when putting your groceries in your bag (bread on the bottom squishing it down with heavy stuff? Japanese parents could never), too much takeout food as a mom or a woman? Does any of this hit home to you? Well you might be ;
Tekito (テキトー)
The word that has always made me shrink a little when random strangers will describe me as that. I believe I internalize some shame too. Tekito has two meanings; 適当 (tekito) a noun and an adjective that translates to just right. This version of the word when using it in context like, the temperature for the bath water is 適温(tekion) or 適当な温度 (tekito na ondo) means it’s just the right temperature. Or to be in a 適当な場所(tekito na basho) means to be at just the right place. The word in matter, テキトー(tekito) is a word that basically has been broken down from the previous meaning to have the opposite effect of what it actually means; not right. Tekito people are perceived as they just don’t care enough to make it right.
Now, sure, I’m pretty tekito. You’ll never catch me measuring shit if I’m not specifically baking. I don’t care about being messy so much. My boyfriend and I joke that I care less about gadgets and he cares a little too much. (taking care of it or cleaning it.) I will throw my clothes and shit around a hotel room when I’m traveling. I could care less to be organized. I will leave my tampons in the toilet even when the trashcan in… well over flowing. (I live alone ok. If I live with someone, I won’t do that.) I don’t look at expiration dates so much.
People who visit Japan will always say, with admiration and surprise ; everything is just so clean and organized here. As I often remind them and here on my newsletter, with every cleanliness, consideration, organization and care - there is an excessive amount of mindfulness behind it. I always felt a contrived sense to it all though. The perfect lines of people at the train platforms, the same movement crossing the Shibuya crossing or any crossing really, the perfect system of hanging out laundry - all of it seems too perfect for me that makes me feel uneasy.
All of this perfection, the non - tekitoness if you will, serves us well though. It creates harmony that we all could never disrupt. Sticking out like a sore thumb is a curse here and being thoughtful and less tekito is a good thing for you and for the people around you.
I said it’s a curse for women because … well it just is isn’t it? Amongst all the other shit we need to think about; how we talk, how we look, how you behave, how you walk, how you eat, how you drink, how you work - we are constantly a subject of societal expectations. The expectation that is impossible to sustain.
Ordering a little too much uber eats?
“Oh she seems like she doesn’t cook much so maybe she’s not serious about marriage.”
Wet hair on the morning train?
“She’s maybe not a planner. She may not think about her future.”
Walking around town with sweatpants or yoga clothes?
“Girl…get dressed?”
It’s insane to think that just because we do something ‘out of the ordinary’, we are immediately scaled on to the extreme of things; she doesn’t want to get married, she’s a loosey goose, she just doesn’t care enough.
But all of my thoughts on being a tekito woman was shifted after Instagram served me a fellow tekito woman like me - not quite in the traditional sense of the meaning though. She seems to be doing the regular housewife stuff like cooking dinner for her husband but also explicitly implying that she’s jaded by cooking shit for him too. She will ask the husband what he wants to eat, and then she fucks up the recipe so she buys the same thing from the supermarket and act like she made it. Even if this is a comedic effect for her videos, she’s still making a poignant point here. Women, Japanese housewives specifically, do the above and beyond daily. Upon asking what the husband wants to eat that night, the women cook delicious meals with thoughtful ingredients. None of the women actually voices their exhaustion because women are taught to believe that they are binded by this contract that they must serve their husbands till death. Well not for this woman ; fuck all of this shit. It’s cumbersome and annoying but I’m going to have fun while I’m at it I guess.
Meet Sasami, my new favorite corner of the internet.
It could be slightly difficult to understand the nuances in her video if you don’t understand Japanese, but perhaps her mannerism being overly dramatic and scenes that look ‘unladylike’ needs no translation - the way she sits, the fisheye lens she uses to paint a certain type of comical effect to her videos, not to mention to make her look intentionally unflattering is also one thing, the language she chooses (i.e. hmmm this onion looks old … but he’s (aitsu) eating it so whatever. Aitsu is a term to refer to someone in a relatively rude way but in this context it’s funny because it’s her husband she’s talking about.), her eating a bento box for her dinner that is using more luxurious ingredients (unagi in this case) - everything about Sasami is the right amount of tongue in cheek. She’s definitely not your ordinary Japanese housewife; calm and collected, reserved and not taking up space. She’s the exact opposite. Sasami is hilarious and assertive - she just doesn’t care so much about the details. It’s what the thought counts. A beautiful but rare form of acceptance and untethered by the whole thing ; being a little all over the place, being a little loud or taking up space or dare I say being a little tekito is actually so so fine. (An honorable mention to the husband here too, because as much as he seems to be “in” on the videos, his role in them are not to shame her for the imperfections of her cooking but to encourage her and be grateful constantly - which is sadly a very rare thing to see in Japanese men.)
So as I think about the unshipped package I sold on Mercari for over 3 days now and received an alert that I haven’t shipped it out yet - gosh I couldn’t be bothered putting a bra on and going to a nearby conbini to take care of it. But I set a 8 minute timer to get the thing packaged and put a bra on and go outside. Because everything is just so mendokusai 1(cumbersome, tired, not wanting to do it, lazy, annoyed, all of the above) and there’s no reason to punish yourself for it - it’s all so so fine.
Other Stuff
Each week, I give you some extra things you can read/listen/watch that I consumed and thought was interesting. Here is this week’s edition! If you like this portion of the newsletter some of the archives are here. Enjoy.
4 Reads
75 nice little things you should do for yourself has been circulating around here and there and i love it so so much. It’s not your average listicle (fart walks being one of them and I did try it out last night and very much feel great the morning after!) My favorites are : no34 Go analog regularly—write by hand, listen to vinyl, etc. / no69 Do the 5-minute tasks the moment you think of them, don’t put them off. / no24 Reintroduce things you loved when you were younger (swimming, singing, tennis, drawing).
Will your friendship last the bridesmaids test? Can’t relate lol but sounds miserable to be a bridesmaid huh!?
Seven women on choosing to move to a different country by cup of jo was such a pivotal reading. I always thought that the answer to my unhappiness (now not so much) was to move out of Japan. That Japan was the issue. While in some aspects, it’s still true - this reading really made me think “why would I ever move to a country that’s not as great as Japan?” Safety, cost of living, healthcare, cleanliness etc - like if I’m moving somewhere it should be somewhere that exceeds all of this, right?
This interview with Glen Powell and Matthew McConaughey is great. A quote from McConaughey that really applies to not just celebrities but all of us;
Hollywood is the Matrix. Nothing is real, you have to go back home to Texas and unplug. But in order to know the difference between Hollywood and home, you have to figure out what is the game and what is reality.
3 Substack
- has so many delightful veggie heavy recipes and this mocktail, I’m probably making tonight!
by
- published this lifestyle pancake recipe made with almond flour. It was spectacular, not only the taste but how little time it took? Like dare I say, less than 5 minutes? Now I’m very intrigued to make this one too.
- wrote a piece on The five types of portfolio career-ists and in the midst of kind of being like, ugh being a generalist kind of sucks phase, I actually was able to look at it in such a different way now. The special generalist or the multi hyphenate rings sort of true to me.
from Anna Mackenzie’s substack
Podcast
Glass is a audio essay ? form from my favorite shameless media girlies. Michelle Andrew’s story on infertility, family and womenhood. She talks all things on wanting children but maybe not ? maybe not now? and the juggling with work and relationship and what other women before her, like her sister and mother, grandmother went through with fertility as well. It’s so honest and she gives so much space to think about the topic - you’ll enjoy it.
See ya in a bit x
mendokusai : another great Japanese word we use a lot. Just being tired and lazy about everything. Life is mendokusai - but we must go on!